Can a english teacher please go through my work and edit it for me, I would really appreciate it as this is an important assignment and I need to make sure that my puncation etc is all correct....

Can a english teacher please go through my work and edit it for me, I would really appreciate it as this is an important assignment and I need to make sure that my puncation etc is all correct. Thanks. 

Preventing child poverty in New Zealand must be a priority because over 265,000 New Zealand children between the ages of 0-17 are living in poverty. This is a ridiculously high number for a wealthy country and there is no reason why we cannot help the struggling families. The main causes of child poverty are unemployment,wages are far too low for increasing goods and service prices,and family relationship breakdowns.

We can prevent child poverty by decreasing the amount of people that are unemployed. There are many different reasons why someone might be unemployed such as seasonal unemployment, structural unemployment and cyclical unemployment.Seasonal unemployment, which means regular and predictable seasonal changes in employment will affect people working in horticulture, catering and leisure, tourism and retailing industries. Structural unemployment occurs when there is a long run of decline in demand for an industry leading to a reduction in employment because of international competition. Cyclical unemployment is due to a lack of demand for goods and services, this occurs when there is a recession or a slowdown in economic growth. Unemployment causes a person to not be able to earn any income, meaning that if this person was to have a family of their own, all the children in the family would be missing out on vital things like daily meals, clothing, shoes and lots more. The government could help people to finding an alternative form of income by making it financially easier for business start-ups, because at the moment it is very expensive to start up a business of your own. The government could also supply people with a wider variety of training programmes especially aimed towards people who have been unemployed for a longer period of time.

Wages are far too low for increasing goods and service prices. Over 50,000 New Zealand citizens between the ages of 16-64 earn between $13.75-$15 per hour. On average most people work 8 hours a day, 6 days a week, meaning that by the end of a working week most New Zealand families would only end up with approximately $672 in their pocket. This is a very small income for a family to be earning considering the fact that they need a large percent of it to pay for the basic necessities of life such as food,clothing and footwear, household utilises and contents, these are only a few of the basics needed daily, meaning that families earning an income as low as this would definitely be missing out on some of the essential basic needs and recreational activities such as going to see a movie and having the occasional takeaway. The children in this family would most likely have hardly any toys and enjoyment while growing up, which could possibly affect their physiological development. This family would be one of the many New Zealand families that are living in poverty. The family's poor income is only half of the reason why they are living in poverty, the other reason is because of the increasing price of goods and services. The reason why prices are going up is because the shop selling the goods have to pay the supplier more to transport the goods to the shop, therefore the store tries to earn back that extra money they have had to spend by putting the prices up on the goods, suppliers will charge more to transport goods when fuel prices go up. This of course is one of the many reasons why families are struggling to pay for goods and services. The government could also help people who are struggling to pay for the basic necessities of life by lowering the secondary tax rate,by increasing it for high income earners. The government could also provide bigger tax breaks for long term unemployed people and bigger tax breaks for part time workers to allow them to earn more money before tax rate increases.

Relationship breakdowns within families are one of the main causes of child poverty in New Zealand. All it takes is a disagreement between a couple over something that could be so minor, this could then cause anger that could lead to self-abuse such as self-harm,alcohol and drugs or abuse of other family members, this would cause the level of stress within the family to rise which could lead to job losses. Besides financial uncertainty the family are more likely to commit a crime such as shoplifting out of desperation for food and clothing etc. The family are also 5 times more likely to see the death of one of their children, this could be because of illness and not being able to afford to take that child to the doctor. The government should be making more of an effort to provide families that are struggling with domestic violence, family counselling sessions which would help the family to discuss their problems at home and help to get the family back on track and into the work force again.

In conclusion preventing child poverty in New Zealand must be a priority because we cannot continue to stand by and allow people to go through their childhood living in poverty. The government needs to wake up and start providing more help for struggling families,to give children the best start in life that they could possibly have. By doing so,the government would be boosting everybody's economic and social welfare,which would decrease the level of poverty and raise the level of wealth within our country. This would then encourage people from other countries to come and live in New Zealand because we have shown that we take pride in looking after each other and that we are providing more of an equal society than most other countries. 

Asked on by user873756

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mizzwillie's profile pic

mizzwillie | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Senior Educator

Posted on

You have great ideas for your essay, and structurally the ideas flow as they should.  Where I see that you have a problem is in using a comma where a sentence should end.  For example, in your paragraph on relationships, you use a comma at the end of "minor, this".  Your sentence actually ends with minor. So I would check your paragraphs to see if the commas are used incorrectly to hook together two independent sentences. You have several more to find.

The other problem I see is that too many of your sentences start with either This or There. These are simply lead-in words and give you no power. For example, "this is a ridiculously high number".  Cross off the "this is" and behind it you will find the subject of your sentence.  "A ridiculously high number for a wealthy country with no substantial reasons for not helping, we should have as a priority helping struggling families." When you get rid of the this, that and there words, find the real topic behind them and get more power out of your phrasing instead of using powerless fill in words. You can do this as your essay has good structure and evidence for what you believe. 

mroberts2912's profile pic

mroberts2912 | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted on

Preventing child poverty in New Zealand must be a priority for because over 265,000 New Zealand children between the ages of 0-17 are living in poverty. This is a ridiculously high number for a wealthy country and there is no reason why we cannot help the struggling families. The main causes of child poverty are unemployment,wages are far too low for increasing goods and service prices,and family relationship breakdowns.

Words like because are very weak discourse markers; you could improve your essay by changing these markers to other more powerful ones.  Use a thesaurus to look up Synonyms [similar words] and antonyms [opposite words] to those you wish to change.

struggling families - could become families struggling with abject/economic/social poverty [you could insert a stronger adverb/adjective here to explore the type of poverty these families are experiencing.  I take it is is economic poverty though other poverty markers could be an indication.

General

Your paragraph points are sound & move fluently between each paragraph.

I would

1. Look at your discourse markers in each paragraph [important words which highlight, indicate a turn in your argument/introducing other viewpoint] and consider if they are strong enough.

2. Check EVERY SENTENCE IS ACCURATE from the punctuation and syntax [sentence structure].  Do this by reading every sentence aloud, stopping for a short break when you have used commas, slightly longer for semi-colons and a natural breath break for full stops, exclamations and question marks - or get somebody else to do it for you [more effective as they will naturally stop at what you have written rather than what YOU THINK you have written]

3. Use a thesaurus to stop yourself from repeating similar/the same words every couple of sentences.

4. It is fine to vary the length of your sentences and paragraphs to make maximum impact on the reader - even in a Humanities essay.

Good luck!

Mari

sehaj's profile pic

sehaj | Student, Grade 8 | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted on

Preventing child poverty in New Zealand must be a priority because over 265,000 children of New Zealand,between the ages of 0-17 ,are living in poverty. This is an unexpectedly high number for a wealthy country and there is no reason why we cannot help the struggling families. The main causes of child poverty are unemployment,wages are far too low for increasing goods and service prices,and family relationship breakdowns.

We can prevent child poverty by decreasing the amount of people that are unemployed. There are many different reasons why someone might be unemployed such as seasonal unemployment, structural unemployment and cyclical unemployment.Seasonal unemployment, which means regular and predictable seasonal changes in employment will affect people working in horticulture, catering and leisure, tourism and retailing industries. Structural unemployment occurs when there is a long run of decline in demand for an industry leading to a reduction in employment because of international competition. Cyclical unemployment is due to a lack of demand for goods and services, this occurs when there is a recession or a slowdown in economic growth. Unemployment causes a person to not be able to earn any income, meaning that if this person was to have a family of their own, all the children in the family would be missing out on vital things like daily meals, clothing, shoes and lots more. The government could help people to finding an alternative form of income by making it financially easier for business start-ups, because at the moment it is very expensive to start up a business of your own. The government could also supply people with a wider variety of training programmes especially aimed towards people who have been unemployed for a longer period of time.

Wages are far too low for increasing goods and service prices. Over 50,000 New Zealand citizens between the ages of 16-64 earn between $13.75-$15 per hour. On average most people work 8 hours a day, 6 days a week, meaning that by the end of a working week most New Zealand families would only end up with approximately $672 in their pocket. This is a very small income for a family to be earning considering the fact that they need a large percent of it to pay for the basic necessities of life such as food,clothing and footwear, household utilises and contents, these are only a few of the basics needed daily, meaning that families earning an income as low as this would definitely be missing out on some of the essential basic needs and recreational activities such as going to see a movie and having the occasional takeaway. The children in this family would most likely have hardly any toys and enjoyment while growing up, which could possibly affect their physiological development. This family would be one of the many New Zealand families that are living in poverty. The family's poor income is only half of the reason why they are living in poverty, the other reason is because of the increasing price of goods and services. The reason why prices are going up is because the shop selling the goods have to pay the supplier more to transport the goods to the shop, therefore the store tries to earn back that extra money they have had to spend by putting the prices up on the goods, suppliers will charge more to transport goods when fuel prices go up. This of course is one of the many reasons why families are struggling to pay for goods and services. The government could also help people who are struggling to pay for the basic necessities of life by lowering the secondary tax rate,by increasing it for high income earners. The government could also provide bigger tax breaks for long term unemployed people and bigger tax breaks for part time workers to allow them to earn more money before tax rate increases.

Relationship breakdowns within families are one of the main causes of child poverty in New Zealand. All it takes is a disagreement between a couple over something that could be so minor, this could then cause anger that could lead to self-abuse such as self-harm,alcohol and drugs or abuse of other family members, this would cause the level of stress within the family to rise which could lead to job losses. Besides financial uncertainty the family are more likely to commit a crime such as shoplifting out of desperation for food and clothing etc. The family are also 5 times more likely to see the death of one of their children, this could be because of illness and not being able to afford to take that child to the doctor. The government should be making more of an effort to provide families that are struggling with domestic violence, family counselling sessions which would help the family to discuss their problems at home and help to get the family back on track and into the work force again.

In conclusion preventing child poverty in New Zealand must be a priority because we cannot continue to stand by and allow people to go through their childhood living in poverty. The government needs to wake up and start providing more help for struggling families,to give children the best start in life that they could possibly have. By doing so,the government would be boosting everybody's economic and social welfare,which would decrease the level of poverty and raise the level of wealth within our country. This would then encourage people from other countries to come and live in New Zealand because we have shown that we take pride in looking after each other and that we are providing more of an equal society than most other countries. 

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