Does this thesis make sense and is it okay? If not, can someone help better my thesis for me.   My thesis is "Privitization of resources, specifically water in this case, leads to negative...

Does this thesis make sense and is it okay? If not, can someone help better my thesis for me. 

 

My thesis is

"Privitization of resources, specifically water in this case, leads to negative impacts on the individuals in the particular area that is being privitized by causing capitalism, an increase in illnesses/deaths and a violation of human rights."

Asked on by puneetk

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billdelaney's profile pic

William Delaney | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

Your sentence sounds pretty good. However, I think it could be improved with some tinkering, including deletions of unnecessary words. Let's try:

Privatization of natural resources--specifically water in this case--can have negative impacts on people in the region being privatized by creating economic exploitation, violations of human rights, and increased illness and death.

I have added the word "natural" because you seem to be speaking about natural resources. I don't know what "case" you are going to write about, but, since this is a thesis statement, I think it would be advisable to indicate briefly the nature of the case.

--specifically water in the case of blah, blah, blah--

"violations of human rights" sounds vague in comparison with economic exploitation and increased illness and death. What sorts of violations of human rights do you have in mind besides economic (capitalistic) exploitation and illness and death? You might say something like:

by creating economic exploitation, increased sickness and deaths, and other violations of human rights.

 

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