Does this look like a complete Narrative Poem with proper punctuation?Hit and Run It was a cool autumn evening. Kelsey was heading home in the car after a long day of school. With the windows down...

Does this look like a complete Narrative Poem with proper punctuation?

Hit and Run

It was a cool autumn evening.

Kelsey was heading home in the car after a long day of school.

With the windows down and radio blaring

Moving to the beat, breeze swaying through her hair.

In a rush to get home,

Weaving through traffic.

Not focusing she was unaware,

Her pupils dilated as she clutched the steering wheel,

Music began to drown out,

The noise of screeching tires began to heighten,

She could not believe what flashed before her eyes.

Frantically asking, "Are you okay?"

His eyes rolled from side to side,

Laying there motionless,

He whispers, "I don't know"

Sobbing she explains, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for this to happen!"

Nodding his head he says, "O-kay".

With no witness around,

Helping him to the sidewalk she gets him to sit on the curb.

She wants to get far away as fast as she can.

Constantly looking over her shoulder,

Not knowing who is out to get her,

The guilt continued to strike.

Flashbacks began to haunt her,

The site of his body lying there helpless,

Were like scenes of a movie reocurring.

In order to clear her conscience she had to turn back.

"Where did he go?"

"He couldn't have gone far!"

Driving up and down each street,

Like an animal searching for it's prey.

Paranoia sets in,

Now she becomes the hunted.

Her only espcape entails a 8x10,

white walls and a stray jacket.

Asked on by asegrest1

2 Answers | Add Yours

billdelaney's profile pic

William Delaney | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

Hit and Run

It was a cool autumn evening.

Kelsey was heading home in the car after a long day of school

With the windows down and radio blaring,

Moving to the beat, breeze swirling through her hair,

In a rush to get home,

Weaving through traffic,

Not focusing.

She was unaware.

Her pupils dilated as she clutched the steering wheel.

Music began to be drowned out.

Noise of screeching tires began to grow.

She could not believe what flashed before her eyes.

****************************************

Frantically asking, "Are you okay?"

His eyes roll from side to side.

Lying there motionless,

He whispers, "I don't know."

"I'm so sorry, I never meant for this to happen!"

Nodding his head, he says, "Ohh-kay."

Helping him to the sidewalk, she gets him to sit on the curb.

With no witnesses in sight,

She wants to get far away as fast as she can.

Constantly looking over her shoulder,

Not knowing who is out to get her,

The guilt continues to torment her.

Flashbacks begin to haunt her.

The sight of his body lying there helpless,

Was like a scene from a movie recurring and recurring.

**********************************

She had to turn back.

"Where did he go?"

"He couldn't have gone far!"

Driving up and down each street,

Like a tigress searching for her wounded prey,

Paranoia sets in.

Now she becomes the hunted.

Perhaps her only escape will involve an eight-by-ten cell,

With white walls and a straitjacket.

 

Congratulations! This sounds very good.

I have made some minor changes, as you can see, mainly in punctuation. You have improved the poem 100% by telling more about her feelings at the end. I thought the last two lines in your version were a little extreme. But if she only imagines it happening it sounds plausible. I like the notion of her thinking of herself as a predator going back to find the wounded prey!

I think if you make a clean final copy you will be finished. You may still want to make some minor additions or changes. But there is no reason why you can't keep your poem in a drawer and revise it a year or two or three from now. You sound like a real poet.

 

 

asegrest1's profile pic

asegrest1 | Student, Undergraduate | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted on

Thank you Mr. Delaney for this touching comment. My friends thought I was a bit crazy after hearing it.

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