Did I combine the following sentences correctly?1. Angie took a deep breath. 2. She approached the foul line. 3. Her teammates were gathered there. 4. They were urging her to relax Here is my...

Did I combine the following sentences correctly?

1. Angie took a deep breath.

2. She approached the foul line.

3. Her teammates were gathered there.

4. They were urging her to relax

Here is my combination:

Angie took a deep breath and approached the foul line, where her teammates were gathered urging her to relax.

Asked on by james2011

2 Answers | Add Yours

akannan's profile pic

Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

For the most part, I would say that you are on the right track in your combination.  You have four separate sentences and are seeking to combine them.  In using conjunctions and commas, you are doing fairly well.  Here is what you have and with it, you can see where I some fundamental challenges lie:

Angie took a deep breath and approached the foul line, where her teammates were gathered urging her to relax.

I would make a small change in the first part of the combination.  It seems to me you want to capture Angie's feelings as the movement to the free throw line is happening.  With that in mind, I would rewrite it like this:

Angie took a deep breath as she approached the foul line,

In this combination, using "as she," I think there is a tighter combination present.  It makes sense as she would be taking the deep breath in the process of moving towards the foul line.  I don't think it works as well to use the conjunction because the next part is also combining, so it might be better to make two thoughts happen as one and then focus the combination on the second half.

In the second half, I think another comma is needed because what you have in there is running thoughts together.  I would combine it as such:

where her teammates were gathered, urging her to relax.

I think that the comma is needed here because you are combining two separate actions of the teammates.  The first is their state of being, gathered along the foul line. The second is what they are doing there, and in this, a comma would be needed in combining both actions into one instant. (I also made a spelling change on "teammates.") Therefore, I would call the new combination as such:

Angie took a deep breath as she approached the foul line, where her teammates were gathered, urging her to relax.

 

james2011's profile pic

james2011 | Student, Grade 9 | (Level 1) Honors

Posted on

Thanks for the correction of punctuations. The parent considered the position of "urging her to relax" is not at a proper location. The parent said, the current position of "urging her relax" is confusing, and readers might think she urged herself to relax.

Do you have a better to combine to make it clear the subject of "urging her to relax" is her teammates?

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