Is it controlling that I don't want my boyfriend to smoke cigarettes?He didn't smoke when we first met. But recently has started to do it daily. I asked him not to for me because I personally find...

Is it controlling that I don't want my boyfriend to smoke cigarettes?

He didn't smoke when we first met. But recently has started to do it daily. I asked him not to for me because I personally find it gross and I don't want to come home to the smell of that in the air and on his breath everyday and the money wasted and his health being worse, but he said he's gonna do whatever he wants. I feel that's a bit disrespectful but I'm not sure if maybe I'm just being too controlling? Do I have the right to feel offended that he won't even compromise, or am I controlling? I didn't even ask him to completely quit, I did at first but later compromised and said I just don't want it to be a daily thing, once and a while is fine.

Expert Answers
pohnpei397 eNotes educator| Certified Educator

I do not think that this sounds controlling.  However, I do think that you are going to have to decide how much this relationship means to you.

I do not think that wanting someone to quit smoking is controlling.  As you have mentioned, smoking comes with all sorts of consequences -- the health, the money, the smell.  All of those things make it so that it would be very difficult for two people to maintain a relationship with that issue unresolved.

I think you have to decide whether you love this guy enough to put up with all of that -- the wasted money, the idea that he might develop health problems, etc.  And he has to decide whether he loves you more than he loves smoking.

So, no -- it's not like you're telling him what to wear or how to comb his hair or who he can talk to or whatever.  It's not a control issue.  But it is something that will ruin your relationship, so I think you both need to decide what you really want.

clairewait eNotes educator| Certified Educator

Every relationship has issues like this.  I call them "deal-breakers."  Like Post #2 said, it doesn't really matter if you are being controlling or not.  A smoking habit could be considered as serious as any other habit (be it drinking, gambling, sports, or even video games) that causes distance between the two of you.  If he is engaging in an activity that decidedly distances you from him (for whatever reasons), it is an issue you should consider very seriously and not toss it off as selfishness or "your problem" not his.  If he is unwilling to see eye-to-eye with you, or attempt to meet you half way, then, your decision lies in whether you can live and love in this relationship if he doesn't change.

rskardal eNotes educator| Certified Educator

Is it controlling to want your boyfriend to stop smoking? By definition, it is not controlling of you to want something. I think Clairewait may be right to draw your attention to the concept of the "deal breaker." Many people are unwilling to be in a relationship with someone that smokes, for a variety of reasons. Some countries have made it illegal to smoke in restaurants and bars, and one of the best arguments that I have heard in support of this is that it is wrong that we would ask people to work in such an unhealthy environment. Quite frankly, second hand smoke is harmful and if your boyfriend is smoking around you, it may be negatively affecting your health as well. Good luck.

trophyhunter1 eNotes educator| Certified Educator

I think you are not being controlling, but honest. However, you must make a decision. Do you want to be subjected to second hand smoke? You cannot make anyone give up an addiction. They have to want to do it. An addiction to nicotine is difficult to overcome, however, a person really has to want to stop smoking in the first place. You can always discuss it rationally and then ultimately, you both have to decide how much this relationship means and what each of you is willing to put up with.

ask996 eNotes educator| Certified Educator

Your reasons for not wanting your boyfriend to smoke are not controlling. They are based on sound physical and financial reasoning. If, however, you said you didn't want him to play golf because it left you home alone, you didn't like the people with whom he played, and you thought he should be engaged in other activities you would be controlling.

lrwilliams eNotes educator| Certified Educator

I do not think that asking your boyfriend to stop smoking is being too controlling at all. If you are truly in a serious relationship he should at least be willing to come to some sort of an agreement about things like this.

litteacher8 eNotes educator| Certified Educator
No, you are not being controlling. You just want what's best for your health and his.
ribbonz | Student

It's not controlling at all, it's a serious health issue. You shouldn't be subjected to second hand smoke. Also, he should care that you find the smell and taste a turn off. If the relationship becomes serious you'll have to deal with it long term, as well as the consequences of smoking. You'll eventually have a boyfriend with bad skin, bad teeth, bad breath, and potentially serious health problems.

beefheart | Student

You are not his boss. It is his choice. You have the choice to accept it, reject it or negotiate.

If you want him to stop smoking, you will not achieve it with ultimatums, sulks, shouting or negative emotional pressure (aka nagging). Talk like adult-to-adult. He can smoke if he wants to. If this is a 'deal-breaker', so be it. 

megaaa | Student

trust me stop telling him stop smoking and he will stop.all men are like that or you even can tell him that u will stop kissing him as it feels gross a did that with my boyfriend and now we laugh about it as i stoped kissing him for 10 day and he stoped smoking :D