Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay.As early as the fourteenth century, writing machines became technologically achievable. [Removed for Internet security.]

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belarafon's profile pic

belarafon | High School Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

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The most important issue with this essay is that it lacks a strong thesis statement that connects all the parts together. The very first sentence in such a short essay should be the thesis, but it is not enough to say that "technological writing machines became feasible." Instead, focus on some larger point; for example, you could write: "The rise of technological writing machines made literature more common, creating a higher standard of learning." With a thesis like that, you can use some of the above facts to support the simultaneous rise of available literature and public intellect, but you'd have to lose most of the facts and focus on the effects of the technology. This is just an example; if you want to focus on the technology itself, you could write: "As written language became more important in society, technology was forced to evolve to meet this new need for fast printing." That would give you a base for the lists of facts while keeping focus on the why instead of the what.

Other than that, spelling and grammar are acceptable, but read as if the facts are directly paraphrased from some other source. It is too easy to simply copy facts without a larger goal; try to construct stronger sentences by losing some of the weaker language ("...Christopher Latham Sholes, an American inventor developed a machine that at last succeeded on the market as the Remington...") and combining straight facts with interpretations that support your thesis.

See the links below for more information about formatting an essay, and remember that a short essay can be harder since there is so little room to elaborate on essential points.

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thanatassa's profile pic

thanatassa | College Teacher | (Level 3) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

There are two areas which need work in the essay as you have uploaded it. On a stylistic level, you have a few typographical errors and might also want to consult Williams, Style: 10 Lessons in Clarity and Grace for pointers on sentence structuring and transitions. Your university may also offer free tutoring at a Writing Centre or Writing Lab; this sort of individual tutorial is very useful for students.

Next, you should focus on your introduction. You need to work on developing a thesis statement or some sort of taxonomy that gives a reader a sense of what the essay is attempting to do and why it should be read. Right now, there is no real sense of a point or an audience, or evenĀ  coherent theme. It just appears a series of factual notes strong together in chronological sequence.

Once you have a better idea of your central idea, theme, or claim, you will be able to revise the essay to flow more smoothly.

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