Please give me suggestions about how to improve this paragraph from my essay on social attitudes towards weight as shown in a TV show?
Body paragaph 3:
The show reveals an insight towards society’s attitudes concerning weight gain. Initially, physical appearance is valuable to majority of people [Removed by Staff to protect against Internet plagiarism.]
This paragraph is well organized and makes your point quite well. It has a good thesis and the rest of the paragraph supports that thesis. There are, however, a number of minor errors that detract from its quality.
- “An insight” should be “insights” since you are listing more than one here.
- “Initially” means “at first” and you really want to say just “First…”
- It should be “to a majority of people.”
- “Which has led” or “which leads…” and then continuing on in that sentence “to become judgmental…”
- In the sentence that starts “Secondly…” it should be “is entitled.”
- Next sentence: delete “of” in the phrase “subject of matter.”
- In the Dick and Sally sentence, it should be either “Dick asks Sally if he looks…” or Dick questions Sally about his weight and how he looks.”
- Last sentence: “judgments with body image” should be “judgments about” or “judgments regarding…”
Again, this is a well-organized paragraph that makes your point nicely.