Can someone please help me out on revising and re-writing this essay about "making changes that will improve students' college experiences?" thank you. College is supposed to be one the best...

Can someone please help me out on revising and re-writing this essay about "making changes that will improve students' college experiences?" thank you.

College is supposed to be one the best experience of our lives. Also, a place that unites people of all ages and backgrounds. College can be a stressful or liberating experience, people figure out what they want or don't want. Whatever one does in college will shape them for the rest of their lives and be a contributor in society. The challenges I am facing while taking online classes which need improvement at my current University are course related communications, timely tutor support and a more technologically friendly application. <--Please underline your thesis.

I don't think my ability to learn is based on whether or not I attend an online or resident course. I choose to attend online only while completing my core curriculum because of not only my lifestyle but due to the convenience. With online courses you can always revisit a recorded class versus only having your notes to draw off of. On the other hand there are folks that do not have the same option due to many various reasons such as needing real time feedback in a classroom setting. The drawbacks of online learning that I have observed is the lack of physical and verbal interaction with an instructor, which can often make the communication exchange a little confusing. Instead of waiting a day or two for an email response from the instructor, it would help tremendously if a student could somehow call a resource and get immediate feedback.

The response time to receive feedback or support from an online tutor could be improved so that new students like myself won't have to wait several days before we get a response. A needed improvement could include a 24/7 hour online tutoring program which would be beneficial for those students who may be struggling with their grades. That struggle may be due to work, family, especially where small children are involved or a person’s abilities. I can't imagine how difficult it might be for someone to work a 3rd shift job seven days a week and try to stay in contact with an instructor or tutor.

Technology can be either problematic or enjoyable dependent upon what you're actually doing. For example, if the student has a slow internet connection due to a lack of bandwidth and the class has large files to download that can become frustrating and longer than needed. Another online learning challenge is the bandwidth needed to even access a live class session or even remain in the live session without being “kicked” out due to slow connections. Also, there can be enormous files that are required to be downloaded and can equally take an enormous amount of time. This can then cause frustration and could possibly cause the student to start falling behind. Me suggested improvements would include using an application such as NetMeeting or TeamViewer, both are video conferencing applications and quite user friendly. In addition I would highly recommend that a venue be established for students to provide feedback which in turn would be applied to application upgrades for immediate improvements.

FEEDBACK:

You offer specific suggestions here! Your thesis is focused and suggests the organization of the body paragraphs—good work! When you revise this essay, work to make sure that the thesis and the body paragraphs are aligned. The first point of your thesis, course-related communications, doesn’t fit well with the paragraph about online learning. I suggest that you work on the beginnings of your paragraphs as well, so they recall the thesis and provide a roadmap for your reader. Below are some examples. My first suggestion is… My second suggestion is… Finally… OR To make students’ lives better… Another way to improve students’ lives Student lives would be further improved if… 

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Noelle Thompson | High School Teacher | eNotes Employee

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I am happy to help you with the revisions! This is already a wonderful essay, and your teacher has given you good feedback to improve.  I worked with that feedback in order to align the thesis and body paragraphs, reword the topic sentences ("so they recall the thesis and provide a roadmap"), rework some of the body paragraph beginnings, and further your use of transitions. (Please note that I was unable to underline your thesis due to the lack of that feature in eNotes tools.  Therefore, I left the instruction as is.) 

Also, probably the biggest problem (that your instructor didn't seem to mention) is that you don't have a conclusion to your essay!  Your conclusion should begin by rewriting your thesis statement, and then continue with a short summary and/or interesting topic to lead your reader into further thinking on the subject.  I can't write your conclusion for you, but I have reworded your thesis, summarized a bit, and gave an idea for a new thought to introduce to your reader.  Thus, your essay with the improvements IN CAPS, SO YOU CAN SEE THE REVISIONS can be found below:

College is supposed to be one the best experience of our lives. FURTHER, A UNIVERSITY IS a place that unites people of all ages and backgrounds. College can be a stressful or liberating experience. People figure out what they want or don't want. Whatever STUDENTS DO in college will shape them for the rest of their lives SO THAT THEY CAN be CONTRIBUTORS in society. The challenges I am facing while taking online classes at my current University AND, THEREFORE, THE AREAS THAT NEED IMPROVEMENT ARE AS FOLLOWS:  course related communications, timely tutor support and a more technologically friendly application. <--Please underline your thesis.

FIRST, IT IS IMPORTANT TO ADMIT THAT COURSE RELATED COMMUNICATIONS COULD BE IMPROVED TREMENDOUSLY.  EVEN THOUGH I don't think my ability to learn is based on whether or not I attend an online or resident course, COMMUNICATIONS BETWEEN STUDENTS AND INSTRUCTORS ARE OFTEN DELAYED, SOMETIMES FOR DAYS, DUE TO LACK OF IMMEDIATE RESPONSE.  THIS COMMUNICATION COULD STILL BE IMPROVED BY SOME KIND OF REAL-TIME SYSTEM.  STILL, I choose to attend online only while completing my core curriculum BECAUSE IT NOT ONLY SUPPORTS MY LIFESTYLE BUT ALSO PROVIDES GREAT CONVENIENCE. With online courses you can always revisit a recorded class versus only having your notes. On the other hand, there are folks that do not have the same option due to many various reasons such as needing real time feedback in a classroom setting. ONE OF THE drawbacks of online learning that I have observed is the lack of physical and verbal interaction with an instructor, which can often make the communication exchange a little confusing.  THIS IS WHY A REAL-TIME SYSTEM OF COURSE RELATED COMMUNICATION BETWEEN STUDENT AND INSTRUCTOR IS SO IMPORTANT. Instead of waiting a day or two for an email response from the instructor, it would help tremendously if a student could somehow call a resource and get immediate feedback.

MY SECOND SUGGESTION IS QUICKER RESPONSE TIME FROM ONLINE TUTORING BY POSSIBLY INSTITUTING A COLLEGE WORK-STUDY PROGRAM.  The response time to receive feedback or support from an online tutor could be improved so that new students like myself won't have to wait several days before we get a response. A needed improvement could include a 24/7 hour online tutoring program which would be beneficial for those students who may be struggling with their grades. That struggle may be due to work, family, especially where small children are involved or a person’s abilities. I can't imagine how difficult it might be for someone to work a 3rd shift job seven days a week and try to stay in contact with an instructor or tutor.  ANOTHER ONLINE TUTORING IDEA COULD BE TO ALLOW VARIOUS HOURS FOR UPPER-LEVEL STUDENTS IN A WORK STUDY PROGRAM.  PERHAPS WITH MORE PEOPLE ON THE JOB TO HELP STUDENTS, SOMEONE WOULD BE AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY.

FINALLY, THERE NEEDS TO BE A MORE TECHNOLOGICALLY FRIENDLY APPLICATION FOR ONLINE COURSES. Technology can be either problematic or enjoyable dependING upon what you're actually doing. For example, if the student has a slow internet connection due to a lack of bandwidth and the class has large files to download, that can become frustrating DUE TO TAKING MORE TIME than needed. Another online learning challenge is the bandwidth needed to even access a live class session or even remain in the live session without being “kicked” out due to slow connections. Also, there can be enormous files that are required to be downloaded and can equally take an enormous amount of time. This can then cause frustration and could possibly cause the student to start falling behind. IF A CERTAIN BANDWIDTH IS NEEDED, THEN IT SHOULD BE REQUIRED FOR AN ONLINE CLASS SO THAT THE STUDENT DOESN'T TEEM WITH FRUSTRATION IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LEARNING PROCESS. FURTHER, A FEW MORE suggested improvements would include using an application such as NetMeeting or TeamViewer, both are video conferencing applications and quite user friendly. I would highly recommend that a venue be established for students to provide feedback which in turn would be applied to application upgrades for immediate improvements.  ANY OF THESE IMPROVEMENTS IMPLEMENTED SHOULD ACTUALLY BE A CLASS REQUIREMENT IN ORDER TO INSURE SUCCESS.

IN CONCLUSION, THERE ARE MANY IMPROVEMENTS THAT CAN BE MADE IN THE UNIVERSITY ONLINE PROGRAM INCLUDING COMMUNICATIONS ONLINE BETWEEN THE STUDENT AND INSTRUCTOR, TIMELY SUPPORT FROM ONLINE TUTORS, AND MORE USER-FRIENDLY TECHNOLOGICAL APPLICATIONS. EVEN IMPROVING JUST THE FIRST TWO IDEAS BY IMPLEMENTING MY SUGGESTIONS WOULD MAKE FOR AN ONLINE CLASS CLOSER TO THE REAL-LIFE CLASSROOM EXPERIENCE.  OF COURSE, MORE USER-FRIENDLY TECHNOLOGY WILL ALWAYS MAKE CLASSES LESS FRUSTRATING.  [Here, my suggestion is to end with an idea of what online classes, or real-life classes, might be like in the future.  You could mention Star Trek, if you are a fan, ... or any other futuristic show or movie that has a good educational idea.  If you can't think of a show or movie, or if you aren't interested in media, just make one up that you think might not only be possible but also be probable.]

I wish you the best of luck as you continue to revise your essay.  You have done great work and, with the addition to adding a conclusion of your own, your great should reflect your wonderful effort!

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