Can someone please check and comment on my short writing about a summer vacation?Last summer, I embarked on a holiday to a miniscule island in the Philippines. The isle is desolate but a bright...
Can someone please check and comment on my short writing about a summer vacation?
Last summer, I embarked on a holiday to a miniscule island in the Philippines.
The isle is desolate but a bright ball blinds me as it emerges; it rises like a yellow lollipop in the distant horizon, observing every action I take. The water is crystal clear, turquoise where it's shallow, royal blue in the deep. Carelessly, the warm, golden sand runs between my toes with the gentle breeze. Seagulls peacefully chirp as they orbit above my head. From the boat, I can perceive the shadows of swirling multicolored fishes. Wafts of salty air invade my nostrils sporadically. The coconut milk is honeyed and glides as smoothly as silk in my throat. As I silently lay on the fine particles of earth, chimpanzees eye me suspiciously.
I am alone. I feel free and serene in this paradisiacal island, enjoying today like there will be no tomorrow. There is so much to hear, smell, feel, taste and see that everyday is unique…
You ask for someone to check and comment. I will check first.
Miniscule is the wrong adjective to apply to an island. Yellow lollipop is original but a little bizarre.
Description of the water is good. The sand shouldn't be running between your toes with a breeze but perhaps with retreating water or gentle wind orjust the natural drifting of sand.
Seagulls don't chirp. They screech and squawk.
You are on the island, then on a boat, then back on the island drinking coconut milk. This is hard to follow. You should either stay on the island or in the boat, especially in such a short piece. It would be best to place yourself in one spot and describe everything from that perspective. This is the most important suggestion I have to make.
Do they have chimpanzees in the Phillipines? I thought they were only in Africa. I would change it to monkeys.
Every day is two separate words in your context. Everyday is an adjective.
Are you all alone on this island??? I would like to see more factual information.
Comment: Your writinig is impressive because it sounds sincere. It reads more like a poem than a short essay. You might try to make it more dramatic. For instance, you might begin by saying that you were all stressed out and wanted to escape, but gradually the spell of the island soothed your nerves and made you feel ready to go back and face the world again.
You seem like a good writer and an interesting person.