Can someone please help me by reviewing and revising my research paper below? And help with a conclusion paragraph? INTRO PARAGRAPH--> In a traditional sense, we think of a college student as...

Can someone please help me by reviewing and revising my research paper below? And help with a conclusion paragraph?

INTRO PARAGRAPH--> In a traditional sense, we think of a college student as someone between the ages of 18 to 24 years-old. The traditional student starts college right after graduating high school. Our society tells us that this is what is expected and what is considered “normal.” Nontraditional students are considered someone who is beyond the age of 24 years of age or has been out of school for an extended period of time. THESIS STATEMENT--> A traditional student has an advantage over a nontraditional student because the traditional students would be better able to meet and mingle with people their own age. College is a lot more fun when you’re young and have less risk factors. Nontraditional students have to make friends with other nontraditional students, if they make any friends in college at all. And some of the most important relationships in a person’s life are formed in college.

Traditional students are usually high school graduates who attend college or university right after and come from a background of family members who have completed college and encouraged and expected them to follow the tradition. Nontraditional students are the ones who don’t attend college or university after completing high school and come from families that don’t pressure them to pursue their education and just go straight to work. Laura I. Rendón describes a traditional student as a person “whose parents and siblings attended college, who came from middle-and upper-class backgrounds, and who grew up feeling empowered to reach their goals” and nontraditional students described “the trauma involved in dislocating themselves from their culture” and “talked about the emotional discomfort involved in separation from their family and friends.”

In a research from Bishop-Clarke, Catherine and Jean M. state, “Older students often perceive the traditional students as immature, unmotivated, and unappreciative of the educational environment.” Because traditional students that range from the age of 18 to 24 years old that is still experiencing life and maturing, tend to focus more on extracurricular activities such as, sorority and fraternity parties or other social events. Bishop-Clarke, Catherine and Jean M. also state, “On the other hand, some of the younger students have remarked that it is unfair that they must compete with someone who is more experienced and who is as grade conscious as older students appear to be.” The nontraditional student is over the age of 24 years old, but more responsible, experienced and more eager to learn the curriculum, due to the fact that they have real world responsibilities like, family and work.

Because the traditional student has fewer worries about working or having to financially support themselves or a family, they have more time to dedicate their responsibilities in furthering their educational goal. The National center for education statistics states, “In contrast, students with no risk factors (i.e., traditional students) were almost exclusively enrolled in 4-year colleges and universities.[3]” Whereas nontraditional students have several responsibilities other than school work such as, work to provide for his or her family and spend time with his or her children and spouse. The National center for education statistics also states, “In a recent report profiling undergraduates enrolled in U.S. post-secondary institutions in 1992-93, undergraduates were characterized according to a number of attributes commonly associated with nontraditional students.[2] These included nontraditional enrollment choices such as delaying enrollment or attending part time, and characteristics associated with financial constraints and family responsibilities such as being financially independent, having dependents to support, or working full time while enrolled.”

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William Delaney | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

I wasn't going to add anything to the excellent advice given you by Ashley Kannan, but a couple of apparent errors have stuck in my memory. Evidently you have been instructed to follow the APA Style Manual. I has been a long while since I worked with that manual, but I remember some of its rigid rules. 

You write:

In a research from Bishop-Clarke, Catherine and Jean M. state, 

The authors' last name, Bishop-Clarke, would appear first in the References section of an article,  but I feel sure it would not be written that way in the article itself. I think you should write:

Catherine and Jean M. Bishop-Clarke state in an article published in (whatever publication).

You cannot say, "In a research from..." It could be, "In a study by Catherine and Jean M. Bishop-Clarke..." And it seems to me that you should mention the name of the journal in which they published their findings. You don't have to quote the whole megillah, just the name of the publication, and with all the words capitalized, e.g., Psychology Today, not Psychology today. I mean, of course, in your text, not in the References, if you are going to have one.

You twice refer to:

The National center for education statistics

This may be the way the name of the institution is printed in the References section, but in the text I'm almost certain it should be The National Center for Education Statistics.

The easiest way to follow the APA Style Manual, in most cases, is to get a copy of a journal that uses that manual and imitate what is done in its articles. 

Every professional writer will agree that one of the best rules about writing is to cut out unnecessary words. Let me find an example from your paper.

Because traditional students that range from the age of 18 to 24 years old that is still experiencing life and maturing, tend to focus more on extracurricular activities such as, sorority and fraternity parties or other social events. 

That is a rather ungainly sentence. You have already defined traditional students as those between eighteen and twenty-four. So:

Because traditional students are still maturing and enjoying independence, they often focus more on parties, dating, and other such extracurricular activities.

That is about all I have to contribute to your project. I commend you for being such a conscientious student. I highly recommend The Elements of Style by Strunk and White. It is a very short, reader-friendly book.

Sources:
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Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

I think that there is a good start here.  As with all writing, if more time is given and more attention can be generated, the writing can show improvement.  I think that one area where this can be seen is in the introduction.  The opening is strong and I think that there might have to be some transition when moving from articulating the difference between the traditional student and the non- traditional one.  A phrase like, "In contrast to this" might help.  Once you have described the non- traditional student, it might be good to suggest that "This creates a difference in experience."  My own belief is that your thesis statement should close out the introduction paragraph.  The thesis statement uses "meet and mingle," and I would use "socialize" out of simply word choice.  Finally, Some of your information that is included can be placed in at different parts in the paper and leaving out with your thesis statement can bring some closure to the introduction.  In my mind, the new paragraph can look like this:

In a traditional sense, we think of a college student as someone between the ages of 18 to 24 years-old. The traditional student starts college right after graduating high school. Our society tells us that this is what is expected and what is considered “normal.” In contrast to this, Nontraditional students are considered someone who is beyond the age of 24 years of age or has been out of school for an extended period of time. This creates a difference in experience. A traditional student has an advantage over a nontraditional student because traditional students would be better able to meet and mingle socialize with people their own age. Underlying this is the idea that  some of the most important relationships in a person’s life are formed in college.

In addressing the next paragraph, a topic sentence is needed.  This helps to bring structure to the paragraph and ensures that everything in it ties into this topic sentence.  Since your first paragraph deals with defining both students, I think that opening with some type of declarative sentence on this end would help.  I would also work on breaking up some of the longer sentences. Two quick sentences might be better than a longer one which could lose the reader.  When addressing the issues surrounding "non- traditional" student, some more detail and support could be good here. Seeing that this is present with the traditional student, it would be reciprocally effective to give it to the non- traditional student.  With the closing of the paragraph, ensuring that you have addressed the topic sentence in some form might help to bring an effective closing.  In this light, the new second paragraph could look like the following:

Some of the advantages of the so called traditional student can be seen in the traits that define them.  Traditional students are usually high school graduates who attend college or university right after.  They come from a background of family members who have completed college and encouraged and expected them to follow the tradition. In contrast to this, Nontraditional students are the ones who don’t attend college or university after completing high school and come from families that don’t pressure them to pursue their education and just go straight to work. (Some more amplifying of this might be needed.)  Laura I. Rendón describes a traditional student as a person “whose parents and siblings attended college, who came from middle-and upper-class backgrounds, and who grew up feeling empowered to reach their goals.” She also suggests that nontraditional students experience described “the trauma involved in dislocating themselves from their culture” and “talked about the emotional discomfort involved in separation from their family and friends.”  The difference in socialization qualities associated with each group helps to explain how so- called traditional students might possess an advantage in the college setting.

The need for a topic sentence about socialization is needed, as well.  Since the topic of socialization and how less risk factors benefit the traditional student, it might be good to include that detail from the original introduction here.  With a closing sentence, this paragraph could be seen as such:

Non- traditional students face a socialization challenge that more traditional students do not experience as much. In a research from Bishop-Clarke, Catherine and Jean M. state, “Older students often perceive the traditional students as immature, unmotivated, and unappreciative of the educational environment.” Because traditional students that range from the age of 18 to 24 years old that is still experiencing life and maturing, tend to focus more on extracurricular activities such as, sorority and fraternity parties or other social events. College can be seen as a lot more fun when you’re young and have less risk factors. Bishop-Clarke, Catherine and Jean M. also state, “On the other hand, some of the younger students have remarked that it is unfair that they must compete with someone who is more experienced and who is as grade conscious as older students appear to be.” This difference in perception is another reason why non- traditional students experience a challenge in socialization. The nontraditional student is over the age of 24 years old, but more responsible, experienced and more eager to learn the curriculum, due to the fact that they have real world responsibilities like, family and work.  

I think that your closing paragraph would also need an opening and closing sentence.  A conclusion paragraph to close the paper might also be good. With more revisions and insight, this paper can become even better.

Sources:

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