Can I have someone give me hints on how to make this essay flow smoothly and rephrasing somethings?
As an African American, I was always less than chrematistic as a minority. Growing up, my siblings and I were more unfortunate than others. We were poor and homeless from the age of four to eight years old, and now live in a high-risk area. After years, I developed a habit of being cautious of others and learned to fear people that I did not know. I was afraid to be open and speak my mind because of the fear of being scorned or having others react violently. I knew that this was not the environment or life that I wanted for my family or myself. In addition, I also did not want my socioeconomic status to define who I was as a person and limit my aspirations. Therefore, my only way out was education, and with both of parents not having a college degree, I knew that my siblings looked up to me, which is what inspire me to continue my education. Being the first of my siblings to study abroad and graduate college, I anticipate that it will give them hope that one-day they could to get out of the “hood” and go to college to see the world—no matter where our situation stands.
To be honest, I have never left America. I was born and raised in Oklahoma City, and traveled as far as Dallas, Texas. In addition, I have never been on an airplane. Thus, it feels surreal for me to one day go on my first airplane to another country, something that I have never done before. My parents had always told my siblings and me that they wanted to give us the opportunity to see another country other than America, but with my father being unable to work, and my mother being disabled, we were never fortunate enough to plan the trip.
However, to be competitive in today’s global society, employers across industries are increasingly focusing on one credential: international experience. Needless to say, I have always dreamed of embarking on the adventure of studying abroad. Unlike many, next semester, I will be setting my fears aside and making that dream a reality. Part of my incentive to study abroad is to experience life in another country and increase my experience in my field with an international internship, while learning more about the Italian language.
Being that my great-grandparents are from Italy, I’ve chosen to study Italian language as a minor so that I could learn my ancestors language, giving that the history of their country has always been something I anticipated learning, which is why I’ve chosen Italy as my host country.
One of the many other reasons I’ve chosen the Lorenzo De’ Medici Semester Program was not only because of the opportunity to engage into the culture, but the exceptional academic program and the capability to test my Italian language while being able to develop valuable career skills with an internship that will prepare me and help me significantly in my career. Many of the remarkable, creditable courses include: Global Business and Society, Global Financial Markets, Italian Language Elementary, Italy and the EU, International Marketing, Human Resources Management, Lifestyle in Renaissance Florence, and a Marketing Internship. These courses can benefit my career; for it will help me to perform effectively in my career. These courses are rigorous and therefore laborious. Which is why I’ve chosen the semester-long program, instead of the summer program, which is more expensive, and everything is taught in an abridge amount of time. During this program I’ll be able to study in Florence, Tuscany, Rome, and Venice. In addition, this program can also benefit me personally by being able to get in touch with my family’s heritage with the tremendous educational and personal benefits from exploring the country where my family has roots. This program also provides me the opportunity to explore my identity and puzzle my family history.
One of my goals in life is to open up boutiques all across Italy with majority of my products being popular items from America. In Italy, you'll have to deal with the typical Italian way of conducting business, so with the help of this program I can learn from business owners, which will benefit me accomplishing my goal by being able to become familiar with an overabundance of unwritten rules that are absolutely essential to achieve the best in a professional context.
I’ve overcome many challenges, but one of my biggest challenges was overcoming a learning disability. I was diagnose with two learning disorders, Executive Functioning Disorder and ADHD. Due to the conditions, I failed the seventh grade, which was a difficult time in my life with also having to deal with bullying. In addition to failing a grade, I’ve grown to feel less confident that I will never be able to attend college with a learning disability, with thoughts that it was going to be hard. However, with a change of mindset in high school, I was determined to graduate high school early and overcome this learning disability. Thankfully, with hard dedication and countless hours of studying, I was fortunate enough to graduate early and overcome my disability.
Overcoming this challenge has given me so much confidence that I need to continue my higher education studying abroad, knowing that I can do anything if I put my heart into it. However, before I apply, I question myself on rather if studying abroad could be just a bit challenging for myself, but then I realize I can’t settle myself for less because I am capable of anything. Therefore, if I was offered this scholarship—let alone this opportunity to study abroad—it will give me more confidence that will help when I matriculate into graduate school.
Not to mention, studying abroad would also be extremely beneficial for me socially, as well as academically. Studying abroad can enhance my academic profile, demonstrating intellectual and personal maturity. Not only would studying abroad be a new and exciting experience for me, but it would also make me more valuable and marketable as a business major. In addition, there are many ways this program can complement my academic experience. For example, I can do an internship that can provide me with knowledge and work experience as well as connections. In fact, this study abroad program takes students who want an internship, an internship based on their interests.
As a first generation college student in the family, my family fully supports my efforts in graduating and my decision to study abroad; however, they cannot contribute financially. Therefore, at such a demanding time in my life, I could really use the helping hand of the Gilman Scholarship. I do not want to resort in taking out further loans to finance my semester abroad. If I was awarded this scholarship, it will not only help me accomplish goals academically, but personally, as well, which will later benefit me in life and career. In conclusion, I look forward to the time I will spend abroad. In brief, I know that the time I do spend will be very beneficial for me academically and personally.
1 Answer | Add Yours
The essay is well written, so congratulations on that. There are a few things that you can work upon, which will make your essay even better. These are listed below.
I knew that my siblings looked up to me, which is what inspire me to continue my education.
Firstly, while applying for a scholarship, try to write in the present tense wherever possible while writing about your aspirations. It will prevent the reader from making wrong assumptions about your present. In this case, you used the word "looked", which makes the reader wonder if they still look up to you. A better sentence would be: "I know that my siblings look up to me, which is what inspires me to continue my education." Also avoid grammatical mistakes like "which is what inspire me ..." and " therefore laborious. Which is why I’ve chosen the semester-long program, instead of the summer program," as they can give a bad impression.
Secondly, the paragraph about "Lorenzo De’ Medici Semester Program" looks like it has come out of an advertisement published by the Lorenzo De’ Medici Semester Program marketing team. Reduce the content here, which will give a better flow to the passage.
I can learn from business owners, which will benefit me accomplishing my goal by being able to become familiar with an overabundance of unwritten rules that are absolutely essential to achieve the best in a professional context.
Thirdly, sentences like these are a bit too long to read without giving up. Break long sentences into short and precise sentences, but avoid making them too short to give any real information.
Most importantly, you have used the word 'I' over 40 times in the essay. 40 is not a big number when compared to 1000, the approximate number of words in your essay. But it is the distribution of the 'I's that is a problem. There are a lot of them in the beginning, then almost none in the main body of the essay, and then again a large number of them in the ending two paragraphs. Use substitutes like 'me', 'myself' by changing the structure of the sentence, which will give your essay a new look.
The ending is a place where there is a huge scope of improvement. Notice that your first and last paragraph begin with the same letter. When I reached the last paragraph and read "As a first generation college student in the family,...", I thought that there would be another major life event that was going to be described there. I was surprised to see that the essay had ended. The ending of an essay should be such that the reader can see it coming and yet they don't want it to come.
Apart from all that I have mentioned earlier, make sure to group your life events in one part of the essay and your dreams of education in another part while creating a beautiful bridge between the two parts. Give the reader a heads up about your Italian heritage before introducing your Italian dream. Check for grammatical mistakes in the end. It will ensure that you have a great essay.
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