Can anyone help me edit this paragraph please? I really need it! I am the eldest of three children, so I feel that it is up to me to open as many doors as possible for my younger siblings. I...

Can anyone help me edit this paragraph please? I really need it!

I am the eldest of three children, so I feel that it is up to me to open as many doors as possible for my younger siblings. I encourage my little brother to surpass everything I have done; that is why I make sure that they take all of the advanced placement and honors classes that I struggled in. I make sure that their grades are better than mine every quarter, every semester, every year.
I took the initiative to learn about college on my own by spending countless hours looking through college websites and spending time discussing colleges with teachers and friends.
I have the will to not only pursue my dreams and aspirations, but also to fulfill my dream of a higher education.

THANK YOU!

Asked on by ispyy

4 Answers | Add Yours

pohnpei397's profile pic

pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

Just a couple comments from me, I'm sure you'll get more from others.

  1. You say you have two siblings and you say "they" and "their" a couple times in the first paragraph.  But at the same time, you say "my little brother."  So change one or the other of those -- make sure they agree.
  2. If you really mean AP classes (ones that are technically Advanced Placement) that's a proper noun and should be captialized.
  3. In my opinion, the phrase "every quarter ... every year" is repetitive.  I would just say "at every report card" or "every grading period" or something like that.  I don't know what others think on that topic, though.
  4. Are you really able to make your siblings get better grades?  Or are you "encouraging" them like you say earlier.  Decide which you're doing, I'd say.
  5. Finally, in the last sentence, you say you will "pursue my dreams" and then "also fulfill my dream."  I don't like that repetition, but that's stylistic -- see what others think too.
readerofbooks's profile pic

readerofbooks | College Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

1. break up the first sentence. It is actually a run-on sentence. Put in a period of semicolon after "children."

2. reword second sentence. "I encourage my little brother to surpass me in everything. This is why..."

3. do not end a sentence with a preposition. reword "...and honors classes in which I struggled."

4. Do not split your infinitive in the last sentence. Change it to say "I have the will not only to pursue..." 

Good luck!

mwestwood's profile pic

mwestwood | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

The eldest of three children, I have felt responsible for not only myself, but also for my younger siblings. For instance, while I have struggled in the advanced placement and honors classes, I encourage my siblings to challenge themselves as well; in fact, I urge them each quarter of every year to make better grades than I have. In addition, I encourage them to prepare for the future by learning about colleges.  So, again I try to set an example by browsing college websites and by discussing colleges with both teachers and friends.  Clearly, my responsibility for my future extends also to that of my siblings since I encourage them to pursue their dreams and aspirations as I intend to do. 

(For help with paragraph writing, see the site below. Remember to make use of transitional words, repeating some nouns as transitions sometimes)

noelle3366's profile pic

noelle3366 | Elementary School Teacher | (Level 1) eNoter

Posted on

     Being the oldest of three, I feel that it is up to me to open as many doors as possible for myself and for my two younger siblings. I help them to take all of the Advanced Placement and honors classes that I struggled with, encouraging them to surpass what I have achieved. I provide what is needed to help them earn better grades than I did, every quarter, every semester, every year.

     For the benefit of not only me, but also for my family, I have taken the initiative to learn about college on my own using the internet and the knowledge gained from talking to teachers and friends. I have the will to not only persue my own dreams and aspirations including a higher education, but also to help my family members persue theirs.

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