Can anyone help me fix the last line of stanza 5 (And all the crisis’s they have to surpass)  ... and give me more tips on improving the poem?UPSETTING TRUTH Food, fun, money, hugs We have it...

Can anyone help me fix the last line of stanza 5 (And all the crisis’s they have to surpass)  ... and give me more tips on improving the poem?

UPSETTING TRUTH

Food, fun, money, hugs

We have it all

But still greed for more

Not caring about people around.

 

Hunger, thirst, death, alone

They have nothing

No home no clothes

But thankful for all

 

It hurts for me to see

All these kids dying in front of me

Knowing something could be done

Yet they are dying one by one.

 

I hate to hear the sounds

And see people fall to the ground

Watching bombs break their sanctuary

With the sounds and images planted in their memories

 

I loathe to view

All these innocent people

And witness the hardships they go through.

 

I hate to know

The feelings they endure

And all the crisis’s they have to surpass

 

Their life only gets harder and harder

The torture has no end

Yet upon the millions of poverty suffering

On infinity amount of eyes, tear shed.

 

 

1 Answer | Add Yours

tmcquade's profile pic

tmcquade | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Associate Educator

Posted on

I like the varies images you use in your poem and the contrasts you set up.  A few thoughts ...

In line 3, you use "greed" as a verb - which it is not.  I think "grub" would work better here.

In line 5, you say "hunger, thirst, death, alone."  The first three words are nouns, the fourth an adjective.  I think "loneliness" would work better here.

In the line where you say "witness the hardships they go through," you might change "go through" to "endure."

Then, a couple lines later, where you say "the feelings they endure," I would change "endure" to "experience" because we don't usually talk of enduring feelings.

In the next line, you should use the plural word for crisis - "crises" - and maybe change "surpass" to "overcome," because we usually talk of overcoming a crises, but surpassing a goal.

I'm confused by your last two lines - do you mean the millions suffering from poverty?  Also, an "infinity amount" doesn't make sense - you might say "an infinite number of eyes, shedding tears."  With eyes, you need to use "number," not "amount."

Finally, I would suggest adding some more punctuation to your poem to aid the reader with comprehension.  I find commas and periods helpful in a poem when they are appropriate.

Hope that helps!

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