Can anyone help me fix the last line of stanza 5 (And all the crisis’s they have to surpass) ... and give me more tips on improving the poem?
Food, fun, money, hugs
We have it all
But still greed for more
Not caring about people around.
Hunger, thirst, death, alone
They have nothing
No home no clothes
But thankful for all
It hurts for me to see
All these kids dying in front of me
Knowing something could be done
Yet they are dying one by one.
I hate to hear the sounds
And see people fall to the ground
Watching bombs break their sanctuary
With the sounds and images planted in their memories
I loathe to view
All these innocent people
And witness the hardships they go through.
I hate to know
The feelings they endure
And all the crisis’s they have to surpass
Their life only gets harder and harder
The torture has no end
Yet upon the millions of poverty suffering
On infinity amount of eyes, tear shed.
1 Answer | Add Yours
I like the varies images you use in your poem and the contrasts you set up. A few thoughts ...
In line 3, you use "greed" as a verb - which it is not. I think "grub" would work better here.
In line 5, you say "hunger, thirst, death, alone." The first three words are nouns, the fourth an adjective. I think "loneliness" would work better here.
In the line where you say "witness the hardships they go through," you might change "go through" to "endure."
Then, a couple lines later, where you say "the feelings they endure," I would change "endure" to "experience" because we don't usually talk of enduring feelings.
In the next line, you should use the plural word for crisis - "crises" - and maybe change "surpass" to "overcome," because we usually talk of overcoming a crises, but surpassing a goal.
I'm confused by your last two lines - do you mean the millions suffering from poverty? Also, an "infinity amount" doesn't make sense - you might say "an infinite number of eyes, shedding tears." With eyes, you need to use "number," not "amount."
Finally, I would suggest adding some more punctuation to your poem to aid the reader with comprehension. I find commas and periods helpful in a poem when they are appropriate.
Hope that helps!
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