I'm writing an argument essay about curfews for teenagers.
Originally, my thesis read:
Juvenile curfew laws are reasonable guidelines we should follow because they prevent juvenile crime and protect youth from victimization, help teenagers to avoid bad habits, and improve teens’ learning.
But I want to combine two ideas, "prevent juvenile crime" and "protect youth from victimization," into one paragraph, so I changed my thesis to read:
Juvenile curfew laws are reasonable guidelines we should follow because they fight crime to protect youth from victimization, help teenagers to avoid bad habits, and improve teenagers’ learning.
I don't know how effective this change is. Could you give me some advice? Thanks!
I'm not sure your final rewrite states what you are trying to say. It makes it sound like fighting crime is what will protect youth from victimization, which isn't accurate.
Furthermore, I'm not sure a juvenile curfew does anything to "fight" crime. The connotation of that word suggests either police activity or vigilante crime fighting, which I'm sure you didn't mean.
These laws may deter crime committed BY young people, and prevent crimes committed AGAINST young people. The way you have it written currently suggests only one of those.
Perhaps changing it to something like, "Juvenile curfew laws are reasonable because they deter crime by preventing teens from becoming both victims or victimizers" would be helpful.
Or maybe it could read, "Juvenile curfews are reasonable laws to enforce because they help prevent crimes committed both BY and AGAINST teenagers."
I hope this helps you. Good luck on your essay!