Scene V

Olivia's House.

[Enter Maria and Clown.]

MARIA:

Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not
open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy
excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.

CLOWN:

Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world
needs to fear no colours.(5)

MARIA:

Make that good.

CLOWN:

He shall see none to fear.

MARIA:

A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying
was born, of, ‘I fear no colours.’

CLOWN:

Where, good Mistress Mary?(10)

MARIA:

In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your
foolery.

CLOWN:

Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that
are fools, let them use their talents.

MARIA:

Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be(15)
turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

CLOWN:

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, for
turning away, let summer bear it out.

MARIA:

You are resolute, then?

CLOWN:

Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.(20)

MARIA:

That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break,
your gaskins fall.

CLOWN:

Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby
would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's
flesh as any in Illyria.(25)

MARIA:

Peace, you rogue; no more o' that; here comes my lady:
make your excuse wisely; you were best.

[Exit.]

CLOWN:

Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those
wits that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I,
that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man: for what(30)
says Quinapalus? ‘Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.’

[Enter Olivia and Malvolio.]

God bless thee, lady!

OLIVIA:

Take the fool away.

CLOWN:

Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

OLIVIA:

Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides,(35)
you grow dishonest.

CLOWN:

Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool
not dry; bid the dishonest man mend himself: if he mend,
he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher(40)
mend him. Any thing that's mended is but patched.
Virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and
sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this
simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy?
As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's(45)
a flower: The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I
say again, take her away.

OLIVIA:

Sir, I bade them take away you.

CLOWN:

Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, ‘Cucullus
non facit monachum’—that's as much to say as I wear not(50)
motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to
prove you a fool.

OLIVIA:

Can you do it?

CLOWN:

Dexteriously, good madonna.

OLIVIA:

Make your proof.(55)

CLOWN:

I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my
mouse of virtue, answer me.

OLIVIA:

Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll 'bide your
proof.

CLOWN:

Good madonna, why mourn'st thou?(60)

OLIVIA:

Good fool, for my brother's death.

CLOWN:

I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

OLIVIA:

I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

CLOWN:

The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's
soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.(65)

OLIVIA:

What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not
mend?

MALVOLIO:

Yes; and shall do till the pangs of death shake
him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the
better fool.(70)

CLOWN:

God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better
increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no
fox; but he will not pass his word for two pence that you
are no fool.

OLIVIA:

How say you to that, Malvolio?(75)

MALVOLIO:

I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
barren rascal; I saw him put down the other day with an
ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you
now, he's out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister
occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these(80)
wise men that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better
than the fools' zanies.

OLIVIA:

O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with
a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free
disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you(85)
deem cannon-bullets. There is no slander in an allowed fool,
though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known
discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.

CLOWN:

Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest
well of fools!(90)

[Re-enter Maria .]

MARIA:

Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much
desires to speak with you.

OLIVIA:

From the Count Orsino, is it?

MARIA:

I know not, madam; 'tis a fair young man, and well
attended.(95)

OLIVIA:

Who of my people hold him in delay?

MARIA:

Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

OLIVIA:

Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but mad-
man. Fie on him!

[Exit Maria]

Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the Count, I am sick,(100)
or not at home; what you will to dismiss it.

[Exit Malvolio.]

Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people
dislike it.

CLOWN:

Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains,(105)
for,—here he comes,—one of thy kin, has a most weak pia
mater.

[Enter Sir Toby.]

OLIVIA:

By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate,
cousin?

SIR TOBY:

A gentleman.(110)

OLIVIA:

A gentleman? What gentleman?

SIR TOBY:

'Tis a gentleman here—a plague o' these pickle-herring!
—How now, sot?

CLOWN:

Good Sir Toby!