Much Ado About Nothing | Act III, Scene III
Scene III
[A Street]
Enter Dogberry and his copartner [Verges] with the Watch.
- DOGBERRY:
-
Are you good men and true?
- DOGBERRY:
-
Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if
they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for(5)
the prince's watch.
- VERGES:
-
Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.
- DOGBERRY:
-
First, who think you the most desartless man to be
constable?
- FIRST WATCHMAN:
-
Hugh Oatcake, my lord, or George Seacoal; for(10)
they can write and read.
- DOGBERRY:
-
Come hither, neighbour Seacoal. God hath blessed
you with a good name. To be a well-favoured man is the gift
of fortune, but to write and read comes by nature.
- SECOND WATCHMAN:
-
Both which, Master Constable—(15)
- DOGBERRY:
-
You have. I knew it would be your answer. Well, for
your favour, my lord, why, give God thanks and make no
boast of it; and for your writing and reading, let that appear
when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here
to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of(20)
the watch. Therefore bear you the lanthorn. This is your
charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to
bid any man stand, in the prince's name.
- SECOND WATCHMAN:
-
How if 'a will not stand?
- DOGBERRY:
-
Why then, take no note of him, but let him go, and(25)
presently call the rest of the watch together and thank
God you are rid of a knave.
- VERGES:
-
If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of
the prince's subjects.
- DOGBERRY:
-
True, and they are to meddle with none but the(30)
prince's subjects. You shall also make no noise in the
streets; for for the watch to babble and to talk is most
tolerable, and not to be endured.
- SECOND WATCHMAN:
-
We will rather sleep than talk. We know
what belongs to a watch.(35)
- DOGBERRY:
-
Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet
watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend.
Only have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, you
are to call at all the alehouses and bid those that are
drunk get them to bed.(40)
- SECOND WATCHMAN:
-
How if they will not?
- DOGBERRY:
-
Why then, let them alone till they are sober. If they
make you not then the better answer, you may say they
are not the men you took them for.
- SECOND WATCHMAN:
-
Well, my lord.(45)
- DOGBERRY:
-
If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue
of your office, to be no true man; and for such kind of
men, the less you meddle or make with them, why, the
more is for your honesty.
- SECOND WATCHMAN:
-
If we know him to be a thief, shall we not(50)
lay hands on him?
- DOGBERRY:
-
Truly, by your office you may; but I think they that
touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for
you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what
he is, and steal out of your company.(55)
- VERGES:
-
You have been always called a merciful man, partner.
- DOGBERRY:
-
Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much
more a man who hath any honesty in him.
- VERGES:
-
If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to
the nurse and bid her still it.(60)
- SECOND WATCH:
-
How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear
us?
- DOGBERRY:
-
Why then, depart in peace and let the child wake
her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her lamb
when it baes will never answer a calf when he bleats.(65)
- VERGES:
-
'Tis very true.
- DOGBERRY:
-
This is the end of the charge—you, constable, are to
present the prince's own person: if you meet the prince in
the night, you may stay him.
- VERGES:
-
Nay, by'r lady, that I think 'a cannot.(70)
- DOGBERRY:
-
Five shillings to one on't with any man that knows the
statutes, he may stay him! Marry, not without the prince be
willing; for indeed the watch ought to offend no man, and it
is an offence to stay a man against his will.
- VERGES:
-
By'r lady, I think it be so.(75)
- DOGBERRY:
-
Ha, ah, ha! Well, masters, good night. An there be
any matter of weight chances, call up me. Keep your
fellows' counsels and your own, and good night. Come,
neighbour.
- SECOND WATCHMAN:
-
Well, masters, we hear our charge. Let us go(80)
sit here upon the church bench till two, and then all to bed.
- DOGBERRY:
-
One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch
about Signior Leonato's door; for the wedding being there
tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu. Be
vigitant, I beseech you.(85)
Exeunt [Dogberry, Verges]
Enter Borachio and Conrade.
- BORACHIO:
-
What, Conrade!
- SECOND WATCHMAN:
-
[Aside] Peace! stir not!
- BORACHIO:
-
Conrade, I say!
- CONRADE:
-
Here, man. I am at thy elbow.
- BORACHIO:
-
Mass, and my elbow itched! I thought there would(90)
a scab follow.
- CONRADE:
-
I will owe thee an answer for that; and now forward
with thy tale.
- BORACHIO:
-
Stand thee close then under this penthouse, for it
drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to(95)
thee.
- SECOND WATCHMAN:
-
[Aside] Some treason, masters. Yet stand
close.
- BORACHIO:
-
Therefore know I have earned of Don John a
thousand ducats.(100)
- CONRADE:
-
Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?
- BORACHIO:
-
Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any
villainy should not be so rich; for when rich villains have need
of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.
- CONRADE:
-
I wonder at it.(105)
- BORACHIO:
-
That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest
that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is
nothing to a man.
- CONRADE:
-
Yes, it is apparel.
- BORACHIO:
-
I mean the fashion.(110)
- CONRADE:
-
es, the fashion is the fashion.
- BORACHIO:
-
Tush, I may as well say the fool's the fool. But seest
thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?
- FIRST WATCHMAN:,
-
[Aside] I know that Deformed. He has been
a vile thief this seven year. He goes up and down like a(115)
gentleman. I remember his name.
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