My Kite Runner Essay part 1

I just want some feedback. Contractive criticism only!!!! Intro and conclusion need work, I know. I would like to thank mshurn for helping me pull all my thoughts together. If it is too much to ask for you to give me a grade. Please keep in mind, if you do grade, that I didn’t meet the 3 page requirements. Please put any comment on the second post. It’s title will be: My Kite Runner Essay part 2. So there is no way to miss it. my essay: In some significant ways, Rahim was a better father to Amir than Baba was. Rahim encouraged Amir when Baba would not. When Amir first realized his talent for storytelling, he wrote his first story. Proud of this achievement, he went to show his father. Less than interested, he gave him a discouraging remark and stared down his nose at him. Coming to Amir’s rescue, Rahim agreed to read his story. Later, before Rahim and Baba left for a party, Rahim handed Amir a note. In the note, Rahim used such encouraging words and phrases. Such as: special talent, sound, you have achieved it (irony), bravo, and interesting. Overall praising Amir for a job well done and encouraging him to continue writing. In contrast, Baba never heard any of Amir’s stories until he close to death.

yeah, just go to profile to read it cause this site is messed up. comment here or there, i don't care. feedback is needed

First of all, I'm glad my suggestions were helpful to you. I went to your profile page and read the draft of your essay. What you have written seems to be well developed with strong specific supporting evidence from the novel--facts, examples, incidents, and some quotations. I think you are making a convincing case, and your discussion is well structured, interesting, and easy to follow. I enjoyed reading it.

I wouldn't put a grade on your draft as a final essay, because it is a work in progress, but if I were to grade the content of what you have written so far, I would give it a B+  or A-(depending upon the level of your class), since there is a bit more you can do with it. For instance, you could do more with Baba in contrast with Rahim. Your use of the quotation from Baba in regard to Amir's birth is excellent--couldn't be stronger in making your point. Can you find other passages that you could quote or paraphrase to establish Baba's view of Amir to use in your previous paragraphs?

Also, there are some other places you could develop your draft. For instance, you mention that Amir's conversation with Assef was uncomfortable. You could add a sentence or two explaining why.

In your profile, the draft wasn't organized into 3 separate paragraphs, but I could see where each paragraph had been developed. Be sure in your final paper you indent your separate main body paragraphs.

You mentioned that you hadn't met the 3-page requirement. If you were to develop a good paragraph of introduction (ending in your thesis statement) and a good separate paragraph of conclusion, this additional content might develop your final paper so that it did meet the requirement.

In your intro, consider including this basic information: title, author, type of work (novel), general setting (time and place), major characters, general content (Amir's story and search for self), and transition into your thesis. Sounds like a lot but it can be done very smoothly to create an intro that grounds your reader in terms of the novel before you zero in on your thesis.

In your conclusion, begin with the concluding sentences of your draft, but go further. You say Amir would have become a better man, but he does end up being a good man, so qualify that in some way . . . If Rahim had been Amir's father, Amir would have become a good man without having to endure so much suffering. Is that something you can support? If so, why? What were the results of Baba's insensitivity to Amir, and what would have been the results if Baba had accepted Amir as Rahim accepted him? You don't have to support your conclusions with a great deal of evidence as you did in your main body, but if you can include a quotation or two to illustrate your thinking, that would be effective.

I think your work so far is excellent! I think with some additional development, you can reach that 3-page requirement, and your paper will be very thorough and convincing. (Be sure to edit for punctuation, etc.) Carry on, and good luck!

I would like to see the paper too. Could you send it to me as a message with paragraph separation?

message me if you want the esaay with paragraph separation

Please check out the document exchange. You can post your essay there and get lots of feedback, people will be able to view it in the browser, or download it as Word or PDF format.

Post #6: Great suggestion. I didn't think of that, posting documents is a wonderful idea.

Good work!  Don't forget that your audience has probably read the work you are discussing.  Too much background and summary takes away from your thesis and the focus of your paper.  Keep up the good work!  Be sure and let us know the grade you receive.

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Good effort and which position you receive ?