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Which is the better paragraph? Why?I am writing a speech, and my English teacher said...

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wanderista | Student, Grade 11 | Valedictorian

Posted March 1, 2012 at 1:48 PM via web

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Which is the better paragraph? Why?

I am writing a speech, and my English teacher said to me that in Year 11/12, the best of the students try to avoid writing heaps of content, and instead write as much as you can logically in one paragraph. We're writing a speech for an assessment, and I was wondering which paragraph, A or B is better and why. Also, if there are any improvements needed, please add those to your preferred paragraph.

Thank you!

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Paragraphs A:

As Scrooge goes home that night, he is met by the ghost of Christmas Past. The Ghost shows how he became the person he is, by displaying forgotten scenes of his difficult childhood. These images awaken negative emotions within Scrooge, and make him think about the importance of being altruistic. Scrooge is then visited by the Ghost of Christmas Present, who shows how people view Scrooge: a man who resembles that of an ass. This spirit gives Scrooge self-awareness which assists him in his search identity. Finally, Scrooge is visited by the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, who shows him his dismal future of a lonely death, and makes Scrooge realise that he doesn’t want the future of being an avaricious miser. Scrooge is then placed back into the reality, and changes his identity by becoming a positive force in the community. Scrooge’s journey for identity changed him from bad to good, under the influence of the three ghosts.

Throughout the film, there are film techniques used that are effective in making...

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9 Answers | Add Yours

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wanderista | Student , Grade 11 | Valedictorian

Posted March 1, 2012 at 1:49 PM (Answer #2)

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the audience a part of Scrooge’s search for identity. One example is the Ghost of Christmas Past, who takes Scrooge on a personal flight through his own history; Scrooge is physically removed from his manor and flown through the air. The film, being in 3D allows the audience to fly along with Scrooge. Another example of how the film is used effectively is when Scrooge is being chased and juxtaposed by the fearsome Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. Scrooge is shrunk to a miniature size which aids his recognition of how insignificant he is. Dickens’ most powerful metaphor is turned into a literal interpretation having great effect on the viewer. Scrooge realises that he is not important; it is only through the acts of goodwill that he becomes important.

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Paragraph B:

As Scrooge goes home that night, he is met by the Ghost of Christmas Past. The Ghost shows how he became the person he is, by taking him on a personal flight through his own history; Scrooge is physically removed from the ground by the Ghost and flown through the air. The film being in 3D allows the audience to fly along with Scrooge. The Ghost shows Scrooge forgotten scenes of his difficult childhood, which awake negative emotions within Scrooge, and make him think about the importance of being altruistic. Scrooge is then visited by the Ghost of Christmas Present, who shows how people view Scrooge: a man who resembles an ‘ass’. This spirit gives Scrooge self-awareness...

Continued next post.

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wanderista | Student , Grade 11 | Valedictorian

Posted March 1, 2012 at 1:49 PM (Answer #3)

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which assists in his search for identity. Finally, Scrooge is visited by the fearsome Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. The spirit chases Scrooge in a horse and cart, and casts a spell which shrinks Scrooge to a miniature size. Scrooge is therefore juxtaposed to the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, through the use of high shot camera angles on Scrooge showing how insignificant he is, and low shot camera angles on the Ghost who is seen as powerful and terrifying. Dickens’ most powerful metaphor is turned into a literal interpretation having great effect on the viewer. The Ghost then shows Scrooge his dismal future of a lonely death, and makes Scrooge realise that he doesn’t want the future of being an avaricious miser. Scrooge realises that he is not important; it is only through the acts of goodwill that he becomes important. Scrooge is then placed back into the reality, and changes his identity by becoming a positive force in the community. Scrooge’s journey for identity changed him from bad to good, under the influence of the three ghosts.

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Thank you for any help!

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted March 1, 2012 at 2:16 PM (Answer #4)

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I like the second effort better.  My reasoning is that it says just as much as the first effort yet does so in less space.  It also weaves your discussion of the cinematic technique in with the rest of the paragraph.  By doing this, it cuts down on the amount of explaining you have to do.  You don't have to explain the basic plot first and then come back with the cinematic stuff.  It's woven in and so we get to think about each aspect of the film along with the bit of the plot that it belongs to.

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litteacher8 | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Distinguished Educator

Posted March 1, 2012 at 3:13 PM (Answer #5)

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Are we missing something? Both paragraphs start the same way, and it sounds like they are starting in the middle of an essay. I think you should begin with something more logical, whichever one you choose, so that it's clear right away what your point is.
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accessteacher | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted March 1, 2012 at 4:40 PM (Answer #6)

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Yes, remember that quality is better than quantity. It is always worth remembering that with a speech, to engage your audience's interest and to keep them engaged you need to make what you say concise and impactful. To me, the second speech is superior because it places the audience in the middle of the action straight away before going on to do what the first speech does but in a much briefer manner.

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vangoghfan | College Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted March 1, 2012 at 5:23 PM (Answer #7)

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The second makes clearer that you are discussing a film, apparently.  Here is some specific feedback; please note the changes:

As Scrooge goes home that night, he is met by the Ghost of Christmas Past. The Ghost shows how Scrooge became the person he is, taking Scrooge on a personal flight through his own history. Scrooge is physically removed from the ground by the Ghost and flown through the air. Because the film is in 3D, it allows the audience to fly along with Scrooge. The Ghost shows Scrooge forgotten scenes of his difficult childhood, which awake negative emotions within Scrooge and make him think about the importance of being altruistic. Scrooge is then visited by the Ghost of Christmas Present, who shows how people view Scrooge: as a man who resembles an ‘ass’. This spirit gives Scrooge self-awareness, which assists in his search for identity. Finally, Scrooge is visited by the fearsome Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. The spirit chases Scrooge in a horse and cart and casts a spell which shrinks Scrooge to a miniature size. Scrooge is juxtaposed to the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come through the use of high shot camera angles on Scrooge, showing how insignificant he is, and low shot camera angles on the Ghost, who is seen as powerful and terrifying. Dickens’ most powerful metaphor is turned into a literal interpretation, which greatly affects the viewer. The Ghost then shows Scrooge his dismal future of a lonely death, and he makes Scrooge realise that he doesn’t want a future of being an avaricious miser. Scrooge realises that he is not important; it is only through acts of goodwill that he becomes important. Scrooge is then placed back into the reality and changes his identity by becoming a positive force in the community. Scrooge’s journey for identity changed him from bad to good because of the influence of the three ghosts.

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wanderista | Student , Grade 11 | Valedictorian

Posted March 1, 2012 at 8:16 PM (Answer #8)

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Thanks guys! A real help :)!

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loraaa | Student | Valedictorian

Posted March 3, 2012 at 1:42 AM (Answer #9)

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the paragraph B is very good. clearer and shorter.

 Good luck for you... ^_^

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belarafon | High School Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted March 5, 2012 at 2:03 PM (Answer #10)

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I agree that Paragraph B is superior, and I especially like how you are discussing the new 3D filmic techniques and how they represent themes and story aspects. You might consider mentioning the sound mixing and its effect on the story, as well as the choice of Jim Carry as Scrooge; does his acting style fit with the themes? Does audience preconception of Carry affect the motion-capture "skin" laid over him as Scrooge?

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