What does Ponyboy mean on page 18 of The Outsiders when he said, "I lie to myself all the time"?
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At the end of chapter one, Ponyboy reflects on his difficult relationship with Darry after having confided in his other brother, Sodapop. Ponyboy tells himself that he doesn't care about Darry or what his older brother thinks, but then he confides:
"I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me" (18).
Ponyboy's inner monologue reveals his coflicted feelings about Darry. He wishes he could just be indifferent to the way Darry treats him, because then he would not feel so badly. Ponyboy genuinely hurts because of his strained relationship with Darry, so he tries to pretend he does not care. Ultimately, Ponyboy recognizes that he really is just lying to himself. He does care about Darry and wants a better relationship with his older brother.
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