What do you think of my second body paragraph in terms of bringing out contrasts between both works?[Paragraph deleted for Internet-related security and protection.]

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akannan's profile pic

Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

I think that you are off to a great start.  If I were to offer up one area of critique, I think that you are not demonstrating as much depth with the second work as you are with the first.  I sense that in Bread Givers, you are in your own element, discussing character motivations, examples from the text, and thematic connections.  In Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa, the treatment is not as indepth.  Perhaps, you can discuss a bit how Emily Goldberg's perceptions are tempered with her education, something that Sara could only hope to achieve.  Another distinct difference I see is that Sara does not actively make peace with her past. She is too consumed with the present and the establishment of her future in order to do so.  Emily Goldberg has to actively wrestle with the past.  Her going to Puerto Rico and understanding the dynamics of her mother's past causes her to embrace her own heritage.  This is something that is different from Sara's predicament and might be something to bring out in your analysis.  The last point I would make is in your last sentence.  I think you do a good job in contrasting both works, but I am not entirely convinced of where I see Emily Goldberg representing "more change."  You might have suggested this earlier in other paragraphs, but I don't see it in this one, and I would modify that sentence just a bit.


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lentzk's profile pic

Kristen Lentz | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

I absolutely agree with everything that the first post suggested. 

Put a comma after "similarities," in Sentence 1.  Also in sentence one, you mention Breadgivers but not EGLTS.  Perhaps add something like 'whereas Emily's story...." and explain briefly how you will address this.

In sentence 3 and 4, you use the words 'new life' in both sentences.  Change the second one so as not to sound repetitive.

In sentence 4, "miraculously finds hope in making success in her new life" is a little wordy and awkward sounding.  I suggest that you be more specific in the body paragraph, so go ahead and give details on what Sara does.

Sentence 5-- You use different twice.  I would reword the first part of the sentence to substitute "is" for a stronger verb, like "differs" or "contrasts"-- Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa contrasts greatly from Bread Givers in terms of family background.  Then you could add your sentence about Emily's parents different cultures.

Sentence 6-- Try to avoid starting any sentence with 'It is.'  Starting a sentence with a vague pronoun weakens your writing.  Reword the sentence to leave 'it' out and use a stronger verb instead.

You need to add more detail to your Emily Goldberg section, just as the above post suggested to fill out the comparison.

Concluding Sentence-- This is a good sentence with the idea about poverty versus change, but you did not really focus on poverty and change as much in this body paragraph.  There was definitely and element of poverty with Bread Givers, but not with Emily Goldberg.  You discussed heritage and cultural background.  Maybe you should add the additional element of poverty into the mix as an added example for each novel.  It would definitely lengthen your paragraph.  If not, then rewrite your concluding sentence to say more about authors' use of background and heritage in the novels.


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