What do you think of my fourth body paragraph?[Paragraph deleted for Internet-related security and protection.]

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lentzk's profile pic

Kristen Lentz | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted on

Sentence 1: As I suggested with your third body paragraph, I also recommend that you reconnect this topic sentence back to the original purpose of the paper which is compare and contrast, something like: Whereas Bread Givers focused on the central theme of poverty, Anya Yezierska's novel Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa addresses the theme of change.

Sentence 3: I like "sea of unknown relatives"-- very nice imagery.

Sentence 4: Make "can not" one word and delete the extra comma after "Spanish."

Sentence 5:  Good, you added another embedded quote.  I would change the verb, like this:  Adjusting to the huge culture shock, Emily observes, "This.."  Be sure to include the page number for your quote, like this: ...brochures" (685).  I just made up a page number.

Sentence 7:  Rephrase this sentence to remove passive voice.  You have "is horrified," but reword the sentence, like:  Her usually in-control mother's nervous breakdown horrifies Emily as well as her dad's request..."  I see what the previous post put about 'horrified' being too strong of a verb, but I disagree.  Emily does feel like she is horrified.  She is an overly dramatic teenager whose summer vacation has just been ruined.  An adult might perceive her reaction as being overly dramatic--but from Emily's perspective--that is how she feels.  I would keep 'horrified' and maybe even explain Emily's drama queen personality--she's not used to having to be the reliable, controlled one of the family. Her experience teaches her not to be so self-centered, which goes along perfectly with your theme!

*Add a concluding sentence that brings focus back to purpose of paper-- Conclusively, Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa grapples with a much different theme than Bread Givers, as Emily must learn to face the (add the rest of your final sentence).


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billdelaney's profile pic

William Delaney | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted on

Sounds pretty good. I don't understand what is meant by "Learns to Salsa as an important part of the novel." "Cannot" is one word, not two. Should be a comma after  "As Emily says." Always put a comma after such clauses. Shouldn't use "mom" here; use "mother." The last sentence needs polishing. She can face the hardships of change but not of adaptability to a new environment. Should be "Emily has to face the hardships of change and adapt to a new environment for a certain period of time." Or, "Emily has to face the hardships of change as she learns to adapt to a new environment for a certain period of time." I don't really like the word "hardships" because the changes seem more like annoyances, problems, difficulties, or somethinig. Be honest. I don't like "She's horrified." "Horrified" is a pretty strong term for the way we would expect her to feel if her mother falls apart. "Frightened" might be better. And she shouldn't be horrified by two different thinigs: her mother falling apart and her father asking her to stay with her mother. Two separate sentences would be better. You don't want to make this girl sound too weak. If her mother falls apart, she should be upset, but she should be strong enough to take over. When her father asks her to stay with her mother, she should be disappointed and depressed but realize it is a legitimate request.

Oh, I think I just realized that Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa is part of the title. You might say Anzia Yezierska portrays change in Emily  as an important part of Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa. Ordinarily book titles are italicized.

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