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What do you think of my body paragraph 6 ? In Bread Givers, Sara has immigrated from...

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missyngdiva | Student, Grade 10 | Honors

Posted August 9, 2012 at 11:23 AM via web

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What do you think of my body paragraph 6 ? 

In Bread Givers, Sara has immigrated from Russia to America and it was hard for her to adapt to a new life. Living in the Lower East Side in poverty did not help. It just made things worse. She went from living in a splendid life to a very dreary one. On the other hand, Emily in Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa has traveled from New York to Puerto Rico and her life has changed as well. It is worse for her in the beginning, but in the end things go well for her. Both girls feel awkward being in an environment that is outside the culture they identify with. Sara is Russian, but living in America she is surrounded by mostly Americans. Likewise, Emily is both Jewish and Puerto Rican, but when she goes to Puerto Rico she is surrounded by Puerto Ricans, meanwhile she is most familiar with her Jewish side. Sara in Bread Givers becomes more familiar with her surroundings when she goes away to college and she finds a new life. Emily becomes more comfortable with her newfound family , more familiar with Spanish, and more at home with Puerto Rican culture and cuisine. Life was arduous for both girls at first, but in the end they made success in what they wanted to fulfill.

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Kristen Lentz | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted August 9, 2012 at 2:58 PM (Answer #1)

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Sentence One:  Make sure you have a topic sentence that relates back to you thesis statement about similarities between Bread Givers and Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa.  Since you are discussing both novels in this paragraph, your topic sentence should introduce both and the idea of the similarity in overcoming difficulties.  (Keep the sentence that you have, but just add a new sentence before it).

Sentence 3: Edit and remove 'it'.  Remember not to start sentences with 'it!'

Sentence 4:  Can you provide more details in an additional sentence about her splendid life versus the dreary one.

Sentence 5:  Good use of transition word (on the other hand).  Don't forget to add a comma before your coordinating conjunction in a compound sentence (before the 'and').

Sentence 6: Revise order of sentence and remove 'it is.'

Sentence 7: Add another transition word here, since you are further elaborating on another similarity, like 'additionally' or 'furthermore.' Instead of saying "outside the culture they identify with,' change it to 'outside their culture.'  Try not to end on a preposition.
This section has some really good insights!

Sentence 9:  There is a comma splice, so change the comma after "Puerto Ricans," to a semi-colon, like this "Puerto Ricans;". 

Sentence 10:  You used the word 'familiar' in sentence 9 and then I noticed you use it again in sentence 11, so definitely pull out the thesaurus and try to mix it up.  Put a comma after "college," (because it is a compound sentence).  On one of the earlier paragraphs I wrote something about the "new life" phrase being a little vague.  "Life" in general is a really vague word, and if you can try to avoid it, do.  Be more specific whenever possible.  Does she find academic success, a meaningful career, or relationship?  Describe the context of the "new life."

Sentence 12:  This concluding sentence does a good job of bringing the two novels together and addressing similarities.  (See if you can omit 'life' though or rewrite it without the 'L' word!).  The "made success if what they wanted to fulfill" sounds a little wordy, perhaps rephrase it to "achieved success in their personal endeavors."

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Kristen Lentz

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missyngdiva | Student , Grade 10 | Honors

Posted August 9, 2012 at 10:20 PM (Answer #2)

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5th Body Paragraph Revised: 

Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa and Bread Givers are similar when it comes to overcoming difficulties. In Bread Givers, Sara has immigrated from Russia to America and it is hard for her to adapt to a new life. Living in the Lower East Side in poverty did not help. Things became worse for Sara. She went from living in a splendid life to a very dreary one. In Russia, Sara has most of her needs and she is able to eat like a happy person. In the Lower East Side, Sara does not live a happy life because she barely eats and all her belongings stay in Russia. On the other hand, Emily in Emily Goldberg Learns to Salsa has traveled from New York to Puerto Rico, and her life changes as well. Although life is difficult for Emily in the commencement, it terminates easily. Both girls feel awkward being in an environment that is outside their culture. Sara is Russian, but living in America she is surrounded by mostly Americans. Likewise, Emily is both Jewish and Puerto Rican, but when she goes to Puerto Rico she is surrounded by Puerto Ricans; meanwhile she is most familiar with her Jewish side. Sara in Bread Givers becomes more accustomed with her surroundings when she goes away to college, and she is successful in finding academic success, a meaningful career, and a relationship. Emily becomes more comfortable with her newfound family , more familiar with Spanish, and more at home with Puerto Rican culture and cuisine. Living lavishly is formidable for both girls at first, but in the end they achieve success in their personal endeavors.

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