Homework Help

Is this a good narrative poem with proper punctuation?It was a cool, breezy autumn...

user profile pic

asegrest1 | Student, Undergraduate | eNoter

Posted October 18, 2012 at 6:47 AM via web

dislike 1 like

Is this a good narrative poem with proper punctuation?

It was a cool, breezy autumn evening,

Kelsey was heading home after a a long day of school,

Moving to the beat of the radio,

Fresh breeze swarming through her hair,

In a rush to get home,

waving through traffice,

kids were scattered everywhere,

Not focused she was unaware,

Herf pupils dilated as she clutched the steering wheel,

The music began to drown out,

The noise of screeching tires began to heighten,

She could not believe what flashed before her eyes,

Frantically asking, "Are you okay?"

His head stroking back and forth,

Laying there motionless,

He whispers, "I don't know"

Sobbing apologetically, she explains, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for this to happen!"

With a weak voice he replies, "Okay".

Having no witnesses around,

Moves him to the sidewalk,

Leaps in the car and drives afar.

3 Answers | Add Yours

user profile pic

William Delaney | (Level 3) Educator Emeritus

Posted October 18, 2012 at 10:28 AM (Answer #1)

dislike 3 like

It was a cool, breezy autumn evening,

Kelsey was heading home after a a long day of school,

Moving to the beat of the radio,

Fresh breeze swarming through her hair,

In a rush to get home,

waving through traffic,

kids were scattered everywhere,

Not focused she was unaware,

Herf pupils dilated as she clutched the steering wheel.

The music began to drown out,

The noise of screeching tires began to heighten.

She could not believe what flashed before her eyes.

Frantically asking, "Are you okay?"

His head stroking back and forth,

Lying there motionless,

He whispers, "I don't know."

Sobbing apologetically, she explains, "I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen!"

With a weak voice he replies, "Okay."

Having no witnesses around,

Moves him to the sidewalk,

Leaps in the car and drives afar.

 

Yes, I'd say this is a good narrative poem, but it could stand some polishing.  I have copied it into this answer box to make it easier to refer to without scrolling up and down.

The first line doesn't have to include "breezy' because you say the breeze is blowing through her hair. That line should end with a period, not a comma.

In the next line you should say she is driving home, because I imagined her walking until I realized she was in a car. If she is in a car you should indicate that the window is open, unless it is a convertible. Otherwise, how could the breeze be blowing through her hair.

I don't like the word "swarming." It sounds like bugs. I think you could find a better word than "moving," maybe "swaying."

It should be "weaving" not "waving" through traffic, and that line should end with a period.

I think you could leave out the line about kids scattered everywhere. It suggest that she might be scattering them with her car.

You can't say his head is "stroking" back and forth and then that he is lying there motionless. "Stroking" is not a good word here. Maybe you should say that his head is rolling from side to side.

You don't need "apologetically," since she is sobbing and tells him she is so sorry.

She couldn't move him to the sidewalk by herself. You should say she helps him move to the sidewalk, and even that she gets him to sit down on the curb.

I don't know about the word "afar." This doesn't describe her feelings. She probably wants to get as far away as she can as fast as she can.

I have changed some of your punctuation, as you can see. Good poem. You should go over it a couple of times until it captures your feelings about the incident. She won't get over it for a long time. She will feel guilty, concerned about the man she hit, afraid of the police coming after her for a hit and run.

You should give it a title. Maybe "Hit and Run"???

 

Check for spelling and typos.

user profile pic

William Delaney | (Level 3) Educator Emeritus

Posted October 18, 2012 at 4:30 PM (Answer #2)

dislike 2 like

You're welcome. I suggest you make a clean copy with your revisions and submit it as a new question, if you have time. Leo Tolstoy revisedWar and Peaceseven times, and his wife made seven clean copies of the manuscript with an old-fashioned steel-tipped pen, all in longhand, as her husband kept marking up the others. Good writing is always rewriting.

user profile pic

asegrest1 | Student, Undergraduate | eNoter

Posted October 18, 2012 at 11:42 AM (Answer #3)

dislike 1 like

Thank you for editing my poem. I greatly appreciate it.

Join to answer this question

Join a community of thousands of dedicated teachers and students.

Join eNotes