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Examine the paragraph below for any unnecessary or irrelevant information. The second...

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samiha1998 | Student, Grade 9 | Honors

Posted February 10, 2013 at 6:37 AM via web

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Examine the paragraph below for any unnecessary or irrelevant information.

The second photo was of a mother and a child in traditional Indigenous Mexican garments. Seeing a McDonald’s restaurant being built may give them a sense of progress in their community, that is if they are aware of the global popularity of McDonald’s and if they are able to afford the food items. Nonetheless, considering their clothing and the background, it seems they may not be familiar with Western culture.

Despite many foods in common, such as cheese introduced by Europeans, the Mexicans have a unique way of making their food. Traditionally, cooking food within the home is a way of families to be unified. For example, tortilla dough was made by boiling dried corn and grinding it, and family members would participate in grinding the corn together, whereas in McDonald’s restaurants family members may not be together and are not involved in the Western cooking methods.

This shows the differences between processes of making traditional Mexican foods and McDonald’s fast foods. So, with such a new type of restaurant opening in their locality, they may have a negative perception of it because they are dedicated to their traditions that they wish to pass on to the next generation. Perhaps it is not only a question of their being unable to adjust to this type of Westernization, or “McDonaldization,” but of their may not wanting Westernization.  

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akannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted February 10, 2013 at 1:42 PM (Answer #1)

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I am going to make the call that the essay is supposed to link the picture with the emergence of globalization in through the presence of McDonald's.  If this is the case, I think that the paragraph is off to a good start.

 There are some moments when the "voice" of the paragraph seems to be more conversing than proving.  This leads to some information that borders on unnecessary that can be worded a bit differently.  

For example, the second sentence could do not to have "may" italicized.  Perhaps wording it like, "Based on the clothing in the picture, it can be argued that they may not be so quick to embrace the presence of McDonald's as an immediate benefit to their lives."  This helps to bring the discussion back to the photograph and not move into unneeded and unnecessary information.  

At the same time, I think the entire "cheese" discussion might be a bit unnecessary.  Instead, I think focusing on what is in the picture, and the lives that are led represented by it, while contrasting it to both what McDonald's represents and what globalization might do to their indigenous customs would be a better approach in writing.  

This enables you to focus your discussion more on the photograph and the implications of globalization instead of on what is not happening within the photograph.

[Please see your essay sample for copy editing for grammar, punctuation, articles, word choice (definitions), parallelism, and other corrections.]

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