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Reshape and replace this with a better word choice and structure it into an...

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seerboldly | Student, Grade 10 | Salutatorian

Posted August 28, 2013 at 1:18 AM via web

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Reshape and replace this with a better word choice and structure it into an introduction for a comaprative essay, thanks

The bleak visions of the future created in The Matrix and 1984 are dissimilar because they are targeted towards two completely different time periods. Orwell’s’ totalitarian government was his idea of the worst possible scenario of the Cold War. The Matrix was created as account of the future of technology will lead us. These dystopian worlds differ greatly as The Wachosky brothers have created an illusionary reality that people have regarded as the real world while in 1984, Orwell has created a government that uses a medium to control citizens through fear and ignorance where freedom and individuality is taken away.

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mwestwood | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted August 28, 2013 at 2:20 AM (Answer #1)

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Please be advised that Enotes educators do not rewrite for students. However, we do offer suggestions for writing. One primary suggestion is that there are too many sentences.

First of all, let us look at the role of an introductory paragraph and of what it is composed.  There are two components: (1)  a "hook," or "motivator" to secure the interest of the reader, and (2) the thesis statement. 

  • The "motivator"

A motivator comes at the beginning of the introductory paragraph that has the single purpose of piquing the interest of the reader.

For example:  Futuristic novels often present a bleak vision of the world to come; however, these visions come in different forms as evinced in 1984 and The Matrix. 

  • The thesis

The thesis is a general statement of the main idea of the essay, the single idea that the essay will support, with the outline of support, sometimes called the "blueprint." This outline usually contains a list of three judgments or opinions, which are shaped into the topic sentences of the body paragraphs of a 5-paragraph essay.

Now in a comparison essay, the thesis needs to make a statement that points out both similarities and differences. So, mentioning the difference in settings of time is appropriate. Also, the similarity of the two works needs mentioning as well as the outline of support. All this needs to be just one sentence. Whatever else you wish to put needs to be in the body.

Here's an example of a thesis statement:

Created as an account of the dystopian future world of technology, The Matrix presents an advanced illusory world that clouds individuality while the world of 1984 presents a totalitarian government that is also illusory in its propaganda and restructuring of thinking that destroys individuality.

Perhaps, a consideration of how the individuals in The Matrix fight against the computers with how Winston and Julia fight for their individuality against Big Brother in 1984 can be the main focus of support in the body.

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