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How can this paragraph about The Matrix be improved by editing and rewording? In The...

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seerboldly | Student, Grade 10 | Salutatorian

Posted October 15, 2013 at 11:04 AM via web

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How can this paragraph about The Matrix be improved by editing and rewording?

In The Matrix, the W brothers challenge questionable technological developments such as Dolly the sheep to present the moral dilemma of our transcendence of unnatural boundaries which leads to the human desire to search for the truth. This is done by representing Dolly in the Matrix with the invention of artificial intelligence which ultimately brings mankind to complete enslavement and even create the Matrix which shows what technological advancements are like in real life and how our desire for the truth can tremendously backfire on us. Juxtaposition is used in the close up shot when Trinity whispers into Neo’s ear that “the answer is out there” as this intimate act outlines the significance of Neos search for the truth while people are physically and mentally overwhelmed by the distractions of drugs and loud music in the room.

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litteacher8 | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 15, 2013 at 4:28 PM (Answer #1)

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Great job!  To make your paragraph better, you will want to italicize The Matrix in the first sentence and put a comma after “developments” and “sheep,” because there is a natural pause there.  It makes the sentence less cumbersome.  There should also be a comma after “intelligence” in the second sentence.  Also in this sentence, it is not clear who is inventing the Matrix.  Is it the brothers or society?  If it is the brothers, I would end the sentence at enslavement and begin a new sentence with a description of the brothers creating the Matrix.

This leads the brothers to create the Matrix, which shows what technological advancements are like in real life and how our desire for truth can tremendously backfire on us.

In the next sentence, “close up” should be “close-up,”  and the sentence should end at “there.”  The next sentence would then begin with “this.”  With these minor changes, your paragraph will grammatically be in much better shape!

To improve the content of the paragraph, you can begin with a clearer thesis statement.  It would be better to make a clearer connection between the technology in the world the brothers live in and what the movie is trying to tell us about our lives.  Also, by the W brothers are you referring to the Wachowski Brothers?  If so, you should use the name and explain that they are directors.  It is not clear whether you are referring to characters or filmmakers here.

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