Homework Help

Please edit the following (add words, change word choice, shorten, make two sentences,...

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seerboldly | Student, Grade 10 | (Level 1) Salutatorian

Posted September 25, 2013 at 1:47 PM via web

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Please edit the following (add words, change word choice, shorten, make two sentences, basically what you see fit):

This is the beginning of a paragraph from an essay about The Matrix:

"The W brothers address questionable technological developments such as the invention of the internet that exposes our desire to search for the truth while challenging the moral dilemma behind the transgression of unnatural boundaries."

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clairewait | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted September 25, 2013 at 2:36 PM (Answer #1)

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Without seeing the rest of the paragraph, the biggest issue I see in this topic sentence is that it is complicated and wordy. It almost contains too much informationfor one sentence, if that makes sense.

Remember, a good body paragraph is made up of three elements: a topic sentence, concrete details (or examples), and elaboration (or explanation). 

It is difficult to tell what is the main idea of this paragraph. It sounds to me like the thesis of your essay is something about searching for truth and the moral dilemma of boundaries. You might consider simplifying your thesis. (If nothing else, you might consider simplifying "moral dilemma behind the transgression of unnatural boundaries.")

If I am correct about your thesis, it sounds like this particular paragraph is going to highlight how questionable technological advancements is one example used to expose the desire to search for truth and present the moral dilemma of unnatural boundaries. (Save "the Internet" for a point of concrete detail.) Again, I urge you to possibly simplify your thesis. I can see where these two ideas are both present, and complimentary, but I'm not sure you've drawn an effective enough connection between them.

This is just a suggestion, but an edited version of what you have might look something like this:

In The Matrix, the W brothers use questionable technological developments to present the moral dilemma of imposed and unnatural boundaries which leads to the human desire to search for truth. 

Hopefully by answering some of the above questions, you can work with this topic sentence and body paragraph to make your point efficiently. Remember, wordiness is not necessarily a positive quality for a body paragraph in an analytical essay. Please check back in for further advice if necessary.

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