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Please look over this intro. paragraph and give me some suggestions! And maybe rate it...

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neverstop1 | College Teacher | eNoter

Posted September 20, 2011 at 8:09 PM via web

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Please look over this intro. paragraph and give me some suggestions! And maybe rate it out of 100? I'm a sophomore!

(This is my first draft)

History tells humans one important thing: once in a random amount of time, there is a huge event that makes huge scars on humanity. One of these days were the Black Tuesday: the day that marks the start of the Great Depression and its long and devastating effects. When people think of 1929, they think of people throwing pieces of paper in the air, and screaming, sighs, and desperate calls to families. Starting on the Black Tuesday, more than half of banks closed, 25% of the whole US population was unemployed, and more than half of Americans lost their houses. This event’s causes, consequences and its legacies are important to us in that we can prevent similar situations. To better understand the Black Tuesday and how it happened, it’s best to first have a look at its causes.

 

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playsthething | High School Teacher | (Level 3) Assistant Educator

Posted September 21, 2011 at 12:50 AM (Answer #1)

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That's a good start for a first draft.  The first sentence is vague, however.  Try to avoid saying "thing" and the clause that follows the colon is too informal and wordy.  You shouldn't put a "the" in front of Black Tuesday.  You also have tense issues in that second sentence.  Were should be was.  Marks should be marked.   The sentence that starts with "when people think" could be tightened up and formalized.  In the sentence that starts with "starting," it should be half the banks closed, you don't need "whole," and you should start the third point differently (so it's not the same as the first point).  You shouldn't say "us" or "we" in a formal essay.

So, in reading this intro paragraph, I assume that you will be discussing the causes, consequences, and legacies of Black Tuesday.  Your second to the last sentence is your thesis, right?  The last sentence sounds like a transition, which isn't normally used in an intro paragraph.  It sounds like the topic sentence of the first body paragraph.

If this were turned in to me as a first draft, I would have given it 85/100.

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