Please give me suggestions on how to improve this report on Type 2 Diabetes.
Over the past three decades, the number of people diagnosed with diabetes mellitus (Type 2 Diabetes) more than doubled, making it one of the most significant public health challenges to all nations (Baker IDI Heart and Diabetes Institute, 2011).
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You have chosen an interesting topic and you have certainly gathered a lot of facts; I applaud you for wanting to seek help to make your work even more effective. I do have to wonder if this is long enough for the assignment you were given, first of all, and then I wonder if the assignment was designed to showcase your fact-gathering or your writing (using the research you have gathered, of course). I am presuming your report/essay should be longer and include more of your own writing; I am also presuming the essay is informative rather than persuasive.
To get organized, you should probably begin by making an outline. Based on your work so far, this is what your outline looks like:
I. Increase in number of Type 2 diabetics
II. Causes of Type 2 diabetics
A. Environmental factors
B. Genetic factors
III. Type 2 diabetes
A. Definition (what it is)
B. Age groups
IV. Differences from other types
B. Type 1
A. Heart and blood vessels
As you can see, everything is probably not quite where it should be for the most effective reading--too many points and not in a particular, sensible order.
Your intro should introduce the rest of the essay and include a thesis/purpose statement. This might also be a good place to put a definition and your statistics about who gets it in order to make your readers care a bit more about the importance of your subject. Perhaps your thesis would look something like this: Type 2 diabetes is one of the greatest health challenges in the world, so understanding the causes and effects of this disease is essential. Obviously you can add more points or more persuasive language as needed.
With that thesis, you have three potential main points: causes, effects, and treatments. Everything else you write fits under one of those categories. Unfortunately, you barely touch on the idea of treatments (including prevention), which seems kind of important; you also just list many of the effects in a list. Audiences will be more moved by the reality of foot amputations than the mere words “foot damage.” Expand a bit on some of the key points so your readers do not feel as if they are just reading bullet points from a pamphlet on diabetes.
Once you have organized your information a little more efficiently (you do not want your readers to be jumping all over the place), you will also need to do some more writing on your own. As it is, this is just a string of research without much connection from you. An essay needs transitions to move readers from point to point, and you need to give some analysis or commentary on those points as you write. Try to make your essay interesting as well as informational, something you would appreciate if you were the one reading this essay.
In your conclusion, you must review your key points and leave your readers feeling satisfied. You began with a startling statistic, so perhaps you can finish with something similar. Perhaps you have a personal connection to this subject matter and can share it at the beginning and/or the end. The lack of clear organization and no real "voice" from you, the author, are the two most obvious things to correct in this essay; the good news is that those are both easily corrected.
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