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Please give me suggestions on how to improve this essay based on Shylock from The...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted April 29, 2013 at 7:11 AM via web

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Please give me suggestions on how to improve this essay based on Shylock from The Merchant of Venice.

Body Paragraph 6:

I hated Christians as they took and killed all whom I truly loved. One again I became a forlorn soul that filled with melancholy and black blood running through my veins; a stream of hatred, a never-ending tide.  The seed of vile and unrestrained anger and hatred had been planted so deep inside of me. Spread, like a vine nurtured by the injustice and wrongdoing.  This vine encapsulated my mind; altered my action and thoughts. Everyone fed it and watered until filled with malice, my sense of control was gone. After the death of my wife, I had to raise Jessica alone; it was exacting but I coped. I lacked money and took whatever job was available. They were arduous years. Now, my efforts  seem a waste as a Christian man enticed her to elope with him, deserting me, her own father. It seems she has no shame as she stole Leah’s ring that she well knew meant everything to me. It is still a shock that she traded that ring for a monkey; I would not have given that ring for a wilderness of monkeys. Later, I recalled that,on the day of elopement, I has been invited by Antonio to supper making me assume he had been a co-conspirator in this which made my hatred towards him even greater. I know now that I was wrong to make this assumption. I am sorry.  

 Conclusion:

I am hated by Venetians; despised for my religion, culture, and occupation; betrayed by my own daughter and ultimately undone. Therefore, I coldly attempted to avenge the wrongs done to me by doggedly pursuing my bond and wanting to murder my persecutor, Antonio.

Yet, I was humiliated in the court, stripped of much of my wealth and forced to convert to Christianity; I became a broken man, rejected by everyone. However, I believe that my punishment is problematic for it seems to mimic the very crime of which I am  being accused, and that crime is a lack of forgiveness. My sense of decency has been fractured by the persecution I endured.  I have been made the hard, savage, relentless creature by long and cruel oppression.

Now I know that I was wrong, I was made blind by my loathing. I am truly apologetic and beg of you to please show pity.Forgiveness is a Christian value so please reconsider the conversion of this repentant sinner. I am more sinned against than sinning.

Yours

Shylock

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durbanville | High School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted April 29, 2013 at 10:26 AM (Answer #1)

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In The Merchant of Venice, although Antonio is The Merchant after whom the play is named, Shylock is most certainly the main character. He is a complex, misunderstood, maligned person who blames the Christians for his lack of compassion and for previously having no forgiveness in his heart.

You have made your case but still need to be careful about the structure as sometimes adding more words detracts from the storyline and has no real value. Unless you have to make up a word count and are still short, check the edited version against your version to see how the structure can be improved by omitting certain words and arranging the sentence structure differently. Some points could also be omitted as they are repetitions of previously made points. When you do your final editing, check for this.

I would change the word "problematic(al)" as it may be better to say "hypocritical" in the context in which you have used it. Take care with the structure of sentences including infinitives (the basic verb form before the I, you , etc is added; for example, to go, to be, to have, to hold and so on). Note the error  "...beg of you to please show pity." The "please" has split the infinitive "to show" and is grammatically incorrect. Restructure the sentence.

Well done for your efforts so far.

 

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