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Please give me suggestions on how to improve this essay on violence in...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted October 20, 2012 at 2:52 AM via web

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Please give me suggestions on how to improve this essay on violence in television.

Violence in many Televisions shows is intended to humour the audience but realistic consequences of violence are not revealed. This fact is another misleading representation the media sends out to children; violence is funny. This is apparent in the episode of The Simpsons, Cape Feare, where Lisa laughs tremendously when a laser beam slices Scratchy to pieces. The fact that violence is humorous is also portrayed in the scene where Homer find humour in the threatening letter meant for Bart. Such scenes lead children to conclude that violence is not objectionably and it is acceptable to threat or harm others even as a joke. Also, in some cases, watching violence for entertaining means builds a desire to watch even more. 

Many Television channels advocate violence on a daily basis and sends misrepresentative messages and concepts about the world revolving around everyone.  A message that is portrayed through media is that violence is everywhere. This can be witnessed in The Simpsons where Bart continues to feel insecure as his communications with people reveal to be threatening to him. This idea is also illustrated in the scene where Bart receives a threatening letter at his home saying, “I’m going to kill you”.  Such views create a ‘mean world syndrome’ where children begin to believe that the world is more dangerous than it actually is. It has a victim effect on them where it increases their anxiety and introduces a culture of cruelty. 

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 20, 2012 at 3:03 AM (Answer #1)

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I will focus my comments here on the errors in wording, grammar, and other such things that make this essay a little hard to read.  Some errors include:

“Televisions” should not be capitalized and should not be plural.

The phrase “Homer find humour” should be “Homer finds humour.”

“Objectionably” should be “objectionable.”

“To threat” should be “to threaten.”

“Violence for entertaining” should be “violence for entertainment.”

“Television” should not be capitalized.

The sentence that starts “This can be witnessed…” has a meaning that is not clear at all.  Maybe you should say (if this is what you mean) “…to feel insecure as people threaten him.”

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mwestwood | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 20, 2012 at 5:56 AM (Answer #2)

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When writing a persuasive essay, it is important to structure your essay with valid points, beginning with the strongest and moving to the others.  Usually three strong points are sufficient, along with rebuttals of possible arguments against these points. Now, regarding your examples from The Simpsons, it is worthy of note that your arguments about the support of violence in this animated show are not really valid ones because this show is intended for adult audiences, not youthful ones, and the show is predicated upon satire.  That is, the acts of violence, etc., by Homer and Bart are subjects of satire, and therefore employed to ridicule adult behavior, not support violence.

You will be better served if you research violence in television and find other television programs that suggest that violence is appropriate or even necessary in certain circumstances.  Find studies and statistics that you can report as support for this essay.  Statistics and statements from authorities, also, are viable support.  For instance, you will want to include something like this,

A University of Michigan researcher in 2003 demonstrated that watching violent media can affect willingness to help others in need......Desensitization can reduce the perception of the seriousness of injury....

Then quote from the researcher his findings. Use several sources for support to demonstrate that you have well explored the topic. The more documentation you use, the more you will demonstrate that you have researched your topic.

Below is a link to assist you in the revising of your argumentative essay.

Sources:

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William Delaney | (Level 3) Educator Emeritus

Posted October 20, 2012 at 11:36 AM (Answer #3)

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Violence in many Televisions shows is intended to humour the audience but realistic consequences of violence are not revealed. This fact is another misleading representation the media sends out to children; violence is funny.

Both the above answers are excellent. You need to do lots of writing in order to improve your English. To correct every mistake would require much time and space. I will only focus on your first two sentences.

The first two sentences should read something like this:

Violence on many television shows is used to amuse the viewers, but the harmful consequences of media violence are rarely acknowledged. Television broadcasts the false implicit message to children that violence is funny.

It would be better to focus on television than to switch from television to media and back to television. There are other media that promote violence, but it would probably be too hard and too confusing to try to cover them all in one essay.

You are to be congratulated on your motivation and hard work.

 

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