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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted October 16, 2012 at 12:28 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in Australian history.

It was believed that white labour in the 1860s could not labour safely in the tropics and as the Mackay plantation owner commented, “The sugar industry is entirely dependent upon coloured labour”(Australian Human Right Commission 2003).Therefore, in colonial Australia, the development of industries like sugar cane and cotton relied on communities like south sea islanders who were brought to Australia in the 1900s for cheap labour to make Australia’s plantations economically viable and the assiduous effort of the South Sea Islanders remains to be acknowledged by Australians today today. The unique history of this cultural group and their contribution to the development of this nation will be portrayed to prove their great impact on Australia’s history. 

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 16, 2012 at 1:19 PM (Answer #1)

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This is, presumably, your introduction.  If so, some changes you should make include:

Remove the last sentence.  You have already provided your topic sentence.  You have at least implied that you are going to be proving that these islanders were important to Australia’s history. 

Break up the second sentence.  It is too long and does not make your point clearly.  Break it after “south seas islanders.” 

Then make the rest of that sentence into a strong topic sentence.  Say something like “The assiduous effort of these islanders have had a major part in making Australia what it is today.”  That will tell us that your essay is meant to prove that this group has been important. 

Remove the quote.  This is more optional, but you are not really supposed to start bringing evidence in to your essay in the introduction.  Just start with “In the 1860s, people believed that white labour…” 

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