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How can I improve this epistolary narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred,...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | Valedictorian

Posted May 28, 2013 at 9:39 PM via web

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How can I improve this epistolary narrative based on The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson?

Part 3:

At the beginning, I had little care to question uncertainty, to answer reasons, to arrive at a conclusion to explain my presence in here. After years of incessant trying, I had forgotten. Engulfed in loathness, anxiety and despair, I had forgetting the horrid memories of the past. There were days when frustration conquered, bewilderment begun to well up, questions rose and those were the daunting days in which nightmares haunted my every sleep. Each dream forecasted a memory that triggered another memory until the jigsaw of my puzzlement was completed. Most dreams were vivid; the faces in which I was unable to recall were that of my mother. Her deceitful benevolent talks echoed in the thoughts of my mind. I remember everything now.

Father, I beg of you to show mercy and feel pity and reconsider your judgments of me. A period of 18 years, I would have learnt a lesson if I had held sinful thoughts. It is unjust for an innocent person to be punished the same way as another sinful person. I beg of you to be thoughtful and set me free from this excruciating cage. I wish to unleash my feathers and hover over a world that I was forbidden to interact with. I am half sick of shadows.

The Lady of Shalott: your daughter.  


 

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litteacher8 | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Distinguished Educator

Posted May 28, 2013 at 9:52 PM (Answer #1)

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You can improve the letter by being more specific.

You have done a good job with the language in these paragraphs, but it would be better if you had a little more detail.  You have done well at capturing how she feels to be locked up, but it would be more powerful if you were more specific.  For example, you could describe specific things she misses from the outside world.  These are what are most likely to pull at the heartstrings.

As an example, consider how specific the poem is.

She left the web, she left the loom,

She made three paces thro' the room,            110 

She saw the water-lily bloom,

She saw the helmet and the plume,

     She looked down to Camelot. (part 3)

If I were a father, I would be far more impressed by the little details of how she is faring than generalities.  What exactly does she need?  You have described how she feels, but why does she feel this way?  She is angry, but how has she been wronged?  She is trapped, but what is she missing?

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