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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this movie review.Body paragraph...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted November 11, 2012 at 1:20 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this movie review.

Body paragraph 4&5:

The other matters this episode introduces are facing emotions and relationship problems. The creators of “Moby Dick” episode exhibit the connection between gaining weight and emotional problems.  Initially, due to Dick’s and Dr. Albright’s breakup, Dick started gaining weight as he has been “filling an emotional void with food”.  This verifies that emotions do have a significant effect on one’s eating habits. This is also demonstrated in the episode where Tommy’s eating habits also change after he breaks up with August. He starts eating similarly to Dick to also deal with his relationship matter. Those issues make the show more enjoyable to watch as many viewers can relate. 

Since the episode’s premise is about gaining weight and eating an enormous quantity of food, the episode reinforces and advertises various food products. Products like ‘Diet Cola’, chips and pizza were used by the actors during the show to entice folk to head to the store and buy them. This is an advantage for those companies as their products receive a chance to be advertised by actors whose many fans are watching their show.

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Kristen Lentz | Middle School Teacher | (Level 1) Educator Emeritus

Posted November 11, 2012 at 2:48 PM (Answer #1)

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Reword the topic sentence on paragraph 4:  "The other matters" sounds vague, and you could use a more effective transition word than 'other.'  You also use passive voice (are facing); rephrase the sentence to read something like : Moreover, the central characters of the show face..."

Sentence 3: Depending on your teacher's requirements for the assignment, you might need a citation following your quote. 

Sentence 4 and 5 both start with the pronoun 'this,' which is pretty vague, not to mention repetitive.  Reword both sentences to leave out 'this;' a good general rule of thumb is to avoid starting sentences with vague pronouns like: this, these, there, it.

Paragraph 5:  This paragraph needs a better topic sentence to tie it into your review.  You just had a paragraph about relatable themes, so how does product placement figure in.  Your topic sentence ties it into the whole food issue present in the food, but it still feels choppy.  Since this is a review, weigh in on how viewers might feel about the use of product placement in the show.  You mention that it is advantageous for the companies, but how will the average viewing audience respond?

Overall, both paragraphs were well written with few major grammatical errors.

Kristen Lentz

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