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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this review of a TV show.Body paragraph...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted November 11, 2012 at 1:18 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this review of a TV show.

Body paragraph 3:

The show reveals insights towards society’s attitudes concerning weight gain. Firstly, physical appearance is valuable to a majority of people which has led today’s society to becoming judgmental and focused on body image rather than health. People tend to avoid seeking the genuine cause that led others to gain weight. Even though it’s a play on words, it can be witnessed in the scene where Dick tells one of the employers of the fitness support group, “That fat loser over there helped me”.  This suggests that fat people are losers. Secondly, the following episode is entitled “Moby Dick” which refers to a huge whale. This conveys the same subject matter presented throughout the episode; weight gain. Lastly, this episode shows how men and women differ in terms of society’s impression of weight gain. This is presented in the scene where Dick asks Sally if he looks fat and Sally comments, “Just be thankful, at least you’re a man, you guys can get away with it”. This proves that society puts more pressure on women to be skinny that it puts on men. The creators of “Moby Dick” are therefore very aware and critical about society’s image and judgments about body image and appearances.

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted November 11, 2012 at 2:50 PM (Answer #1)

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I have one comment about the content and then just one or two little things about details.

Content-wise, your second point about the title of the episode could be made a little stronger.  Right now, you simply say that the title conveys that the episode is about weight gain.  But the use of the whale analogy is beyond that.  The idea of connecting whales and fat people is very cruel and shows the extent to which people look down on people who are overweight.  You should mention this instead of just saying the title shows that the episode is about weight gain.

As for details:

“has led today’s society to becoming…” “Becoming,” in this sentence, should just be “become.”

In the sentence that starts “Secondly,” you can’t call this the following episode because you’ve already been talking about it.  You could call it “this episode” or “the episode we are discussing.”

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