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Please give me suggestions about how to improve the introduction of my review of a TV...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted November 11, 2012 at 1:16 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve the introduction of my review of a TV show.

Introduction:

From break-ups to emotional voids, 3rd Rock from the Sun depicts an outlook regarding society’s views and relationships that is dramatized in the episode “Moby Dick”. 3rd rock from the Sun TV show is a half-hour sci-fi sitcom on Channel 10 screening on weeknights at 7:30 pm. 3rd Rock from the Sun is one of the most successful fantasy sitcoms lasting six season and 139 episodes. It delineates a group of aliens trying to pass as ‘typical’ earthlings while living among humans in ordinary suburbia, where they appear zany and occasionally deranged due to their spacey heritage. They become confused and entranced by the commonplace, from everyday things to emotions like love or aggression. 3rd Rock from the Sun had been nominated for and won numerous major television awards including “Best Edited Half-Hour Series for television” in 1999. The episode entitledMoby Dick”was created by Bonnie Turner and Terry Turner, directed by Terry Hughes and written by Michael Glouberman and Andrew Orenstein.  “Moby Dick” deals with facing one’s own emotions and relationship issues which many viewers may find relevant.

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted November 11, 2012 at 3:02 PM (Answer #1)

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In terms of content, I have only one suggestion here.  It has to do with the final sentence of your introduction.  Throughout this review, you say that the show is about weight gain and about society’s view of obesity.  Your conclusion focuses on this as well.  In your last sentence of this introduction, by contrast, you are talking about emotions and relationship issues.  Those do appear in the rest of the review, but only inasmuch as they are connected to weight gain.  You should bring up the idea of weight and obesity here in the introduction.

My only other comment is the sentence that starts “It delineates…” and the sentence after this.  These sentences are taken almost word for word from a website that I easily found by Googling one of the phrases.  In one of your previous postings of this essay, I said those words did not sound like your writing.  You really should change these two sentences or quote and cite them properly.  You endanger your grade by having unattributed quotes or close paraphrases in your review.

Outside of these concerns, this is a good introduction.

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