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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this analysis. The main concept...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted November 3, 2012 at 5:27 AM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this analysis. 

The main concept demonstrated throughout this episode is how relationships and facing emotional issues can contribute to obesity and how society’s perception on people gaining weight is really shallow which causes them to not look at the real problem. Dick’s and Tommy’s struggles are something many viewers can relate to and it is also entertaining at most times. 3rd Rock from the Sun is a fantastic oddball sitcom and it its greatly recommended for adults and teen who want a good laugh but also possibly learn something new about humans. It’s a comedy mixed with a touch of sci-fi. 

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Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted November 3, 2012 at 12:18 PM (Answer #1)

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I think that there is much in way of strong thought in this section of the essay.  I believe that the first sentence needs to be broken up a bit.  A topic sentence to an essay like this should be rather precise and driven.  I feel that the first sentence contains several thoughts within it that might be better set if they are shown to be independent thoughts.  For example, try "The main concept demonstrated throughout this episode is how relationships and facing emotional issues can contribute to obesity."  This is a quick opening sentence that helps to drive the remaining of the paragraph.  Your next sentence could then be, "In addition to this, the show focuses on how society’s perception on people gaining weight is really shallow which causes them to not look at the real problem."  This helps to drive the paragraph with two strong sentences that can help provide a clear structure to it.  I would probably expand these ideas out a bit more in detail from what is seen in the episode, and I would refrain from the ending of the paragraph because the personalized opinions about the show in general take away from the analysis of the specific episode in question.

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