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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this introductory paragraph about the...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted November 3, 2012 at 5:23 AM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this introductory paragraph about the TV show "3rd Rock from the Sun."

3rd rock from the Sun TV shows is a half an hour sci-fi sitcom on channel 20 screening on weeknights at 7:30 pm. 3rd Rock from the Sun is one of the most successful fantasy sitcom genre lasting six season and 139 episodes. It forecasts a group of aliens trying to pass as ‘typical’ earthlings while living among humans in ordinary suburbia, where they appear zany and occasionally deranged due to their spacey heritage. They become confused and entranced by the commonplace, from everyday things to emotion like love or aggression. 3rd Rock from the Sun have been nominated for and won numerous major television awards including “Best Edited Half-Hour Series for television” in 1999. The episode entitled ‘Moby Dick’ was created by Bonnie Turner and Terry Turner, directed by Terry Hughes and written by Michael Glouberman and Andrew Orenstein.  Moby Dick deals with facing one’s own emotions and relationship issues which many viewers may find relevant.

 

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted November 3, 2012 at 1:08 PM (Answer #1)

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The last time you posted this essay, it was going to be about perceptions of obese people.  If you have changed it to a simple review of an episode of this show, this is a good introduction.  It gives a brief outline of the series overall and a general statement about the theme of the specific episode.  I will focus my comments on details since the overall content is good.

In the first sentence:

“Shows” should not be plural.  Just give the title or say “The TV show 3rd Rock…”

In US English, we would call this “a half hour” show, not “a half an hour” show.  Unless this is different in Australia, that is a change you should make.

“Channel 20” is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

In the second sentence:

“Sitcom” should be “sitcoms.”

“Genre” should be deleted unless you say “… is one of the most successful shows in the fantasy sitcom genre…”

In the third sentence:

“Forecasts” is not the right word.  “Depicts” or “portrays” would be better.

The rest of the paragraph is quite well written, which brings me to a final concern.  From what I have seen of your writing over the three essays you have posted here, this does not sound like you.  Please be very sure that you have not copied any sentences from other sources.  If you have, please be sure to cite your sources.

Sources:

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