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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this review. After Dick and Dr....

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted October 30, 2012 at 10:40 AM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this review. 

After Dick and Dr. Albright’s relationship came to an end, Dick’s eating habits changed and he started eating a lot. After Dick’s realizes he has gained so much weight, he begins dieting, exercising and attending support groups until he realizes that he has been, “ filling an emotion void with food” to compensate missing Marry. Sally has got a tomato plant from Mrs. Dubcet and starts talking to it and even gives it a name. Tommy thinks that August might be cheating on him so he hires a crime novel buff Harry to be his private eye.  The show mostly focuses on Dick and Tommy as they both encounter relationship problems that they attempt to resolve with food. Humour for entertainment means was also portrayed throughout the show as problems seek solutions. 

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mwestwood | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 30, 2012 at 4:22 PM (Answer #1)

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A good paragraph always begins with a topic sentence that makes a clear statement about the subject (topic) to be written about; in addition, it expresses a precise opinion.  Now, in your paragraph the topic sentence seems to be the the second to the last one; so, you should move it to the beginning of the paragraph, revising a little, also:

The ______[ use the title rather than writing "the show"]focuses upon Dick's and Tommy's interpersonal relationships and the problems resulting from them that they deal with by emotional eating.

Now, use transitional words to connect sentences because you want your ideas to be coherent and "flow" together for your reader. Following the instructions of the previous post, be sure to give background information on all the characters. Then, arrange the sentences in an orderly fashion by connecting ideas with more information and transitions.  For example, in the next sentence after the topic sentence, explain what Dick and Dr. Albright's relationship has been, then write "after.....eating too much (do not use "a lot"; this expression is too informal)."

After the words "compensate [insert for] Mary, then explain who Sally is. And, if you wish to add that humor is used, include examples of this humor as you describe what the characters do rather than just inserting this sentence at the end, which now, as the paragraph is written, is like a second thought which disrupts the unity of your paragraph rather than enhancing it.

For you aid, see the link below on writing "a perfect paragraph." Good luck!

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thanatassa | College Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted October 30, 2012 at 10:56 AM (Answer #2)

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The main problem here is organization. If this is a plot precis, you are writing for an audience who has not read the assigned text. Thus you must clearly identify the characters and their roles in the plot, with a sense of chronological sequence. You should first introduce any back story readers might need to know to understand the plot situation and then move through plot details, choosing what elements are significant.  You are introducing many characters without giving us some explanation of what their function is. First describe who the main characters are, and then the roles of the subordinate characters.  Then describe the main plot and each subplot.

There are also numerous grammatical errors in this sample.

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