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What can be done to improve this essay?This essay has scrutinized the four misleading...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted October 30, 2012 at 9:04 AM via web

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What can be done to improve this essay?

This essay has scrutinized the four misleading representation depicted though media and their significant influences on young people. Interpretation of violence has been analysed through different categories including violence is everywhere, violence is justified, violence is funny and violence is often rewarded and rarely has negative consequences. The impact of portraying violence in these ways will send an impression to young viewers that violence is acceptable and the world is a dangerous place. Therefore, there needs to be action taken to prevent how media influences young viewers. One way this can be achieved is by parental control where guardians or parents examine the ratings of the shows viewed by their children and consider what is appropriate and what is not. Secondly, teachers can also assist by raising awareness regarding the misleading ways in which violence is portrayed in the media. By acting in these ways the extent to which the media can mislead young people about violence can be reduced.  

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thanatassa | College Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted October 30, 2012 at 9:41 AM (Answer #1)

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The main area in which the essay needs to be improved, as far as is immediately obvious, is need for a narrower, more provable thesis. While your four categories of claims about violence in the media seem to be probable, for an academic essay, you need to provide a narrow claim and specific, detailed factual evidence. Can you take one of these categories and think through what you are claiming in greater detail? For example, when you say "violence is everywhere", are you arguing that a certain percentage of people of a certain age and gender would agree with this statement? Or is it a claim about the percentage of scenes in specific types of media that are violent? If so, what are your criteria for calling something "violent"? What is your sample size? Your basis for sampling? You might consider a viewing diary that would enable you to claim, e.g., "10% of television programs shown between 10-11 pm on channel AAA in city BBB, during the month of October portrayed [certain types of violent behaviour]".

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