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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay. Another problem apparent...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted October 28, 2012 at 1:30 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay. 

Another problem apparent in the episode is facing emotions and relationship issue. Creators of “Moby Dick” episode depict the connectivity of gaining weight and emotional problems. Firstly, due to Dick’s and Mr.Albright breakup, Dick started gaining weight as he has been “filling an emotional void with food”.  This verifies that emotion do have a significant effects in one’s eating habits. This is also demonstrated in the episode where Tommy eating habits also change after he breaks up with August. He starts eating similarly to Dick to also deal with his relationship matter. Those issues make the show more enjoyable to watch as many people can relate.  The main concept that the creator portrayed throughout this episode is that one of the most common reasons to weight gain is emotional and relationship issues. 

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literaturenerd | High School Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted October 28, 2012 at 2:12 PM (Answer #1)

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I have moved your question due to the fact that it is asking for help regarding you writing.

The first problem I notice is the first sentence. You state that "another problem apparent in the episode is facing emotions and relationship issue." There are two issues with this sentence. First, you state "problem" (singular), but you name two different issues: facing emotions and relationship issue. Given you name two things, you need to change "problem" to be plural (problems) and fix the opening of the sentence (another) to support both problems you are bringing up in the paragraph.

Another problem with the sentence is that it lacks parallel structure. You need to have both emotions and issues as plural.

In the following sentence, I would change "connectivity of gaining weight and emotional problems" to the following: "connectivity of gaining weight to emotional problems."

Here, "This verifies that emotion do have a significant effects in one’s eating habits," you use the plural of "emotions" with "do." Instead, you need to add "the" before emotion and make "emotion" plural. Also, I would change "effects" to "effect" (singular).

When mentioning "Tommy eating habits," Tommy should be possessive (Tommy's).

The last three sentences of the paragraph are run-ons and need to be fixed; you can either break up the sentence by inserting periods and capitalizing the word following the punctuation, or you can insert commas between the dependant and independent clauses.

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