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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about portrayals of obesity...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | Valedictorian

Posted October 28, 2012 at 1:29 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about portrayals of obesity and weight on TV.

In this episode, the creator makes it evident about society’s attitudes towards weight. Firstly, physical appearance is very important to most people today and it led to people becoming judgmental towards obesity without looking at the real issue. Even though it’s a play on words, it can be witnessed in the scene where Dick tells to one of the employers of the fitness support group, “That Fat loser over there helped me”. Secondly, this episode shows how society’s attitudes and behaviours are different towards men and women in terms of food and dieting. This is portrayed in the scene where Dick asks Sally if he looks fat and Sally comments, “Just be thankful, at least you’re a man, you guys can get away with it”. This proves society’s stress with appearances and body image for women to be skinny but not so much for men. The creator of ‘Moby Dick’ is therefore very aware and critical about society’s image and judgments with body image and appearances. 

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 28, 2012 at 1:58 PM (Answer #1)

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You’ve done a good job here of having a topic sentence and a concluding sentence and having the rest of the paragraph support the topic sentence.  That’s very good.  My comments, then, will have to do with wording only since the content of the paragraph is good.

In the first sentence, you can’t say “makes it evident about…”  The “it” in that sentence does not refer to anything; it has no antecedent.  You might say “…makes society’s attitudes towards weight evident.”

In the second sentence, “and it led” should be “which leads.”  “Led” is past tense while the sentence begins in the present tense.  In the same sentence, what do you mean be “the real issue?”  It would be better if you made this clear.

In the third sentence, “fat” should not be capitalized.

In the sixth sentence, you wording is awkward.  Try to say it more clearly.  For example, “This proves that society puts more pressure on women to be skinny than it puts on men.”

Again, you’ve done well with the structure of this paragraph and with having it discuss one topic only.

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