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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay on how obesity and weight...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted October 28, 2012 at 1:28 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay on how obesity and weight issues are portrayed on TV.

After Dick and Dr. Albright’s relationship came to an end, Dick’s eating habits changed and he started eating a lot. After Dick’s bemusement to why he has gained so much weight, he began dieting, exercising and attending support groups until he realizes that he has been, “ Filling an emotion void with food” to compensate missing Marry. Sally has got a tomato plant from Mrs. Dubcet and starts talking to it and even give it a name. Tommy thinks that August might be cheating on him so he hires a crime novel buff Harry to be his private eye.  The show mostly focuses on Dick and Tommy as they both encounter relationship problems that they attempt to resolve with food. Humour for entertainment means was also portrayed throughout the show as problems find solutions. 

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 28, 2012 at 2:33 PM (Answer #1)

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In terms of the content of this paragraph, you seem to be moving away from your main topic.  Your main topic is the portrayal of weight issues and food issues.  Parts of this paragraph do not address this.  In particular, the sentences about Sally’s tomato plant and Tommy hiring a private eye do not appear to have anything to do with issues of weight and food.  You should either change your essay to be about relationship issues more generally (even then, Sally’s tomato plant does not seem to fit here) or you should remove these sentences.

As for the rest of it, I suggest changing the second sentence.  “Bemusement” is perhaps not the right words.  You might just say “After Dick realizes he has gained so much weight…”  If you are going to start the sentence in the present tense, you should continue in that tense.  Say “he begins dieting…”  Finally, “filling” should not be capitalized.

The major issue to resolve here, though, is the issue of content.  If this essay is really mainly about food, you need to remove the sentences that are not clearly connected to that topic.

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