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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay.After Dick and Dr....

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted October 28, 2012 at 1:27 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay.

After Dick and Dr. Albright’s relationship came to an end, Dick’s eating habits changed and he started eating a lot. After Dick’s bemusement to why he has gained so much weight, he began dieting, exercising and attending support groups until he realizes that he has been, “ Filling an emotion void with food” to compensate missing Marry. Sally has got a tomato plant from Mrs. Dubcet and starts talking to it and even give it a name. Tommy thinks that August might be cheating on him so he hires a crime novel buff Harry to be his private eye.  The show mostly focuses on Dick and Tommy as they both encounter relationship problems that they attempt to resolve with food. Humour for entertainment means was also portrayed throughout the show as problems find solutions. 

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Ashley Kannan | Middle School Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 28, 2012 at 1:57 PM (Answer #1)

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I think that this serves as a solid summary of the episode.  Perhaps, a some better use of word choice might assist.  "Bemusement" does not seem to accurately capture where the sentence wishes to go, in my opinion.  At the same time, I think that more detail is needed on the idea of "filling an emotion [sic] void with food" has to be explained.  An explanation might be forthcoming, but it might be good to delve into this at such a point because it is a rather loaded concept.  At the same time, I think that there is another shift of focus in the paragraph.  It seems that the topic sentence is discussing Dick and Dr. Albright and this narrative should comprise the paragraph.  Yet, the secondary plot of Tommy and the private eye should be brought back to the food angle and I am not entirely certain that this is there.  I think that it should be to tighten the paragraph and the analysis of the episode.  I also feel that the last sentence needs to be explained a bit more as it helps to unify the different elements in the paragraph.  If this is done, I think that it the paragraph is much stronger and tighter than it is now.

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