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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay on energy...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted October 24, 2012 at 1:47 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay on energy efficiency.

Constructing an energy-efficient house can minimise heating and cooling bills and have lasting positive impacts on the environment. By adding insulations in air leaks, window covering, wall and ceilings insulating and by changing the window’s direction, it can have a large impact in preventing heat transfer. Hence, it is important to include such features when designing a house. 

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 24, 2012 at 2:41 PM (Answer #1)

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The previous answer does not take into account the fact that this is your conclusion.  Therefore, its suggestions are not valid for your particular situation.  In the future, you might want to make clear that each of your posts is simply one part of a larger overall essay.  A few comments:

In your second sentence, you say “By adding… it…”  This is something you have done throughout the essay.  The pronoun “it” needs to refer to something that has already been. Nothing has been mentioned so far that “it” can refer to.  You could just make your sentence say “Adding insulation (not “insulations”)… can have a large impact…”

You do a good job here of referring back to what you have said in each paragraph (leaks, window coverings, etc).

You might improve that second sentence by not mentioning insulation twice.  You could say “Adding insulation in walls and ceilings to prevent air leaks, adding window coverings, and changing window directions can have…”

In the introduction and throughout the essay, you talked about costs.  You should therefore end by talking about costs.  You might insert a sentence just before the last sentence.  It might say “By preventing heat transfer, homeowners can greatly reduce the costs of heating and cooling their homes.”

Finally, you briefly mentioned solar panels in your previous paragraph.  You should either delete that reference or add it to the list of things in this conclusion that can help lower costs. 

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readerofbooks | College Teacher | (Level 2) Educator Emeritus

Posted October 24, 2012 at 2:05 PM (Answer #2)

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This is a very important topic. There are many points that you can make your essay stronger. 

First, have an introduction that will draw your reader into the topic. For instance, you can talk about the prices of energy in the future and how they will rise. Oil prices are high and there is little sign that it is going to get better. Moroever, we are running out of resources. 

Second, you should add hard data of how much money can be saved by making these small changes in building a house. In other words, small modifications can have a very large impact. 

Finally, you might want to mention government programs. For example, there is LEED certification that a building can obtain by building in a environmentally friendly manner. 

I will add a link on alternative energy. 

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