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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about energy efficiency.One...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 10 | Valedictorian

Posted October 24, 2012 at 1:45 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about energy efficiency.

One of the most important measures to make any house energy efficient is the addition of insulation to walls and ceilings. Insulation is the material that slows down heat transfer through external surfaces of the house. The performance of insulation materials is specified with an R-value. The R-value measure insulation’s resistance to heat flow. The higher the R-value, the more effective the insulation. Therefore, when constructing a house in Alice Spring, ‘Loose Fill’ was chosen for ceiling insulation and ‘Thin Fibreglass’ was chosen for wall insulation. This will raise the energy efficiency of the house as both insulations have an R-value of 2.5 which is a high insulation value. In the first few years, choosing Loose Fill and Thin Fibreglass as means for insulation will be costly but pays off in the long run in terms of electricity expenses. Without the walls and ceiling insulation, heat flow will be transmitted through the house by the process of radiation. Thus, insulation in walls and ceilings is essential as it reduces power bills and adds comfort in one’s own home. 

 

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 24, 2012 at 2:09 PM (Answer #1)

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I have now read two of your essays and this is the best paragraph that I have seen.  It is very well constructed.  A few comments:

Again, isn’t the town named “Alice Springs?”  On that topic, if this essay will focus on Alice Springs, you might put that in your introduction.

You say “will be costly but pays off…”  I would suggest “will be costly, but it pays off…”

The next sentence should start “Without good insulation in the walls and ceiling…”  Then say “heat will be transmitted” rather than “heat flow ill be transmitted.

Again, this is a very nicely written paragraph as each sentence flows nicely into the next and makes a clear point with no repetition.

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