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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay on energy efficiency.Houses...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted October 24, 2012 at 1:44 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay on energy efficiency.

Houses need money and energy to keep them cool in summer and to heat them up in winter. This task looks at ways of reducing heat transfer in a house in order to minimise appliance running costs and energy bills. Also, obtaining an energy efficient house maintains a comfortable temperature and costs no more to build that a conventional home.

Air leaks are a very important factor in an Energy-efficient house, blocking air leaks stops heat loss or gain. Sealing air leaks leads to increased house energy efficiency and lower energy costs. When constructing a house in Alice Spring, all sealing feature for air leaks were chosen to reduce winter heating requirements and to prevent hot, dry and dusty air from entering during summer. By choosing to sea all air leaks, it increased the star rate of the energy-efficient house. Even though the cost of the air leaks was expensive, $588, pays off in the long run. If air leaks were not blocked, the heat is transferred through the house by the process of radiation but by sealing all the air leaks, it will prevent the air from bypassing the insulation and result in a more energy-efficient house. 

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 24, 2012 at 2:02 PM (Answer #1)

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First, your introduction should clearly state your thesis but should do so without starting your argument.  It will also sound better if you do not say things like “this task looks…”  I would keep the first sentence but then say “This can take up a large portion of a homeowner’s budget.  Therefore, homeowners should look at ways…” and keep the rest of that sentence.  “By doing so, they can obtain an energy efficient house…”

In your second paragraph, there are a number of typos. 

It’s Alice Springs, not Alice Spring, right?

“…Choosing to sea” all air leaks should be “…choosing to seal.”

In that same sentence, you can’t say “By choosing… it…”  This is not grammatical.  You can say “By choosing to seal…, a homeowner can increase…”

After “$588, you need to say “it pays off,”

In the next sentence, “were not blocked” does not agree with “heat is transferred.”  They have to have the same tense of verb.  So you could say “are not blocked.”

In the same sentence, don’t say “it will prevent” because there is nothing for “it” to refer to.  Say “homeowner can prevent air from…”

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