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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about television and...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted October 21, 2012 at 3:45 AM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about television and violence.

 This essay has scrutinized the four misleading representation depicted though media and their significant influences on young people. Interpretation of violence has been analysed through different categories including violence is everywhere, violence is justified, violence is funny and violence is often rewarded and rarely has negative consequences. The impact of portraying violence in these ways will send an impression to young viewers that violence is acceptable and the world is insecure. Therefore, there need to be action taken to prevent how media influences young viewers. One way this can be achieved is by parental control where guardians or parents examine the ratings of the shows viewed to their children and consider what is appropriate and what is not. Secondly, teachers can also assist by raising awareness regarding the misleading presentation the media often displays.  

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 21, 2012 at 4:01 AM (Answer #1)

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Unless your instructor expects your conclusion to be like this, I would not be so explicit about saying “This essay has…”  I would try to word it in a less direct fashion.  For example, I might say “The Simpsons and other shows have demonstrated to us that there are four misleading representations of violence depicted in the media.  These shows give us the misleading impression that violence is everywhere…”

Second, I would not end my essay so abruptly.  I would at least say something like “By acting in these ways, we can reduce the extent to which the media can mislead young people about violence.”

A few minor things:

  • “There need to be action…” should be “There needs to be action.”
  • “…viewed to their children” should be “…viewed by their children.”
  • The last sentence might be less awkward if it were to end “… the misleading ways in which violence is portrayed in the media.”

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