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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in...

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rainbow224 | Student, Grade 11 | (Level 1) Valedictorian

Posted October 18, 2012 at 2:27 PM via web

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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in Australian history.

As South Sea Islanders continued to labour and contribute to the Australian society, they remained to be subjected to racial discrimination and harsh treatment. Even so, their history shares interesting information, events, causes and legacies left behind today. The first arrival of South Sea Islanders had to learn English and struggled to adapt to Queensland’s climate. The death rate for Queensland colony for Islander mortality rate was 62.89 per 1000 while it was 13.03 per 1000 for non-Pacific Islanders (Centenary of Federation). The main reason of the death was exposure to bacillary dysentery, pneumonia and tuberculosis against which they had little resistance to.  On the other hand, South Sea Islanders have excelled in several areas and made contribution to the nation. They had an impact on the development of grazing and farming, maritime industry, mining, pearling, domestic services, childcare and railways. They served the nation as members of the defence force in times of war and peace. Furthermore, they excelled in education, health, politics, government, religions, business, art and sport.

Even though South Sea Islanders continued to experience ongoing discrimination and atrocious treatment, they showed commitment to their work as labourers and endured harsh times. Their unique history and the legacies they left behind will always be shared. Those characteristics of the South Sea Islanders and their determination will remain to be acknowledged by Australians today.

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pohnpei397 | College Teacher | (Level 3) Distinguished Educator

Posted October 18, 2012 at 2:46 PM (Answer #1)

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In the first sentence, “remained to be” should be replaced with “continued to be.”

In the third sentence, the use of “arrival” as a noun would not be proper here in the US.  We would say something like “The first groups of South Sea Islanders to arrive in Australia…”

In the fifth sentence, “against which they had little resistance to” is not grammatically correct.  You could just say “against which they had little resistance.”

As for the last sentence of the entire essay, I think it would be clearer if you said “Australians today do not acknowledge the characteristics, determination, and contributions of the South Sea Islanders as much as they should.”

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