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Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in...
Topic: Essay Lab
Please give me suggestions about how to improve this essay about South Sea Islanders in Australian history.
After being blackbirded, Islanders had no choice but to endure the harsh outback environments. They had no choice because they had signed three-year work contracts even though they were not capable of reading or signing their names. Most Islanders were brought to Central Queensland to work in the most atrocious conditions in the Sugar Plantation. Their job was to clear heavy rainforest and scrub, and to plant, preserve and yield the cane. Agricultural mechanisation and backs declining to load money to Islanders meant that in an industry that had experienced an evolution from plantation to family farms, nothing was possessed by the Islanders whose labour initiated the industry. Furthermore, mechanisation instead of cutting process in 1960s took away most periodic jobs as cane-cutters which ended a century of connexion between South Sea Islanders and the sugar industry. This technology change and discrimination resulted in long-term employment and depressed socioeconomic indicators. After a clash arose between Queensland and Commonwealth Governments over the labour matter, the trade was prohibited in 1903. In 1904, when the trade desisted, most South Sea Islanders were sent back to their home islands. Remaining Islanders looked for further work on the cane field elsewhere.
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Once again, you have done well with the changes made so far. A few more minor things:
“Sugar Plantation” is not a proper noun. It was in previous drafts when you mentioned one specific plantation, but it is not now.
In US usage, we would not say “yield the cane.” Do you mean “harvest?” Again, if this is proper Australian usage, please disregard.
I think you mean “banks” and “loan” in your fifth sentence.
In the next sentence, perhaps you should say “the mechanization of the cutting process.” Or you could say “using machines instead of human labor in the cutting process…”
In the next sentence, it would be better to say either “change in technology” or “technological change.”
In the sentence that begins “After a clash arose…” you might want to specify what “trade” you are talking about.
Finally, “desisted” is not used in the best way here. People “desist” when they stop doing something. The trade can’t desist because it’s not the actor. So, maybe just say “when the trade ended…”
Posted by pohnpei397 on October 18, 2012 at 2:38 PM (Answer #1)
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